I show signs of NPD and I’m terrified it will drive friends away.
I’ve never been diagnosed with NPD, but I show some signs, one of which includes feeling threatened when somebody else gets more attention from a friend or family member than I do or when my friends have something major in common that I don’t, and lashing out.
It’s the worst, and I’m done with this. I’m done feeling like such a little baby, because I’m too old for that. It’s ruined all of my friendships - one because I envied my friend for an experience they had and I didn’t and this made me feel envious, and once because my two other friends started talking about a similar experience that they’d both had that I hadn’t, which made me feel threatened. I lashed out both times, and lost all the friends (I’m still on decent terms with some), and I’m terrified it will happen again.
Until I get a diagnosis and some therapy, what’re some coping strategies I can use in case the envious/threatened feelings come up? I’m looking to make new friends, and they will deserve better than my lashing out - and I’d like to keep any new friends around. So what should I do when these feelings come up?
@somebodynew721
Hi there, thanks for posting. 💜 That makes sense what you're saying. There are certain situations where you've found yourself feeling threatened/envious:
- Someone you're close to seems to be giving more attention to another person than to you
- Someone you're close to has things in common with another person that you don't share in common
- Someone you're close to has had experiences that you haven't had
And then I imagine the feelings associated with each of these scenarios are sort of like:
- Feeling scared that someone you're close to might stop caring about you and abandon you
- Feeling scared that someone you're close to might find someone else they like better and have more in common with them, and abandoning you for them
- Feeling scared that someone you're close to might be different enough from you that there becomes a sort of disconnect or loss of closeness/empathy
So when these threats happen (and you feel like you're in danger of losing something important or being hurt), you find yourself lashing out to try to protect yourself (or just out of frustration that you're potentially losing something important). And that unfortunately has the effect of ruining those friendships.
You're looking to go to therapy but would like some ways of coping with those feelings in the meantime as they happen so that you don't do the same thing with any new friendships.
***
There's a series of posts on DBT skills called DBTuesday, and a few of those posts come to mind for me that might be relevant:
- Pros and cons: trying to persuade yourself that lashing out leads to worse outcomes than whatever the alternatives might be
- Various distress tolerance skills for calming down if you're feeling angry or lonely: ACCEPTS, IMPROVE, TIPP, self-soothing
-
Coping ahead: what you're currently doing, which is considering those threats ahead of time and trying to plan out in advance what you'll do when you find yourself in that situation
Also some of the tips in these threads might possibly be helpful:
Hope that there is something helpful in there. 😊 If you're ever interested in chatting 1-on-1, can use my booking form HERE to schedule a chat with me.
All of this is helpful! Thank you so, so much. You are amazing for this and you are so kind 😊
@somebodynew721
No problem! Glad it's helpful 💜
