Question about narcissists within [abusive] relationships.
Are narcissists always mean to others?
I'm fairly sure my ex is a narcissist, he was selfish and manipulative so my individual needs were ignored or bulldozed to benefit him - he'd mess with my head in various ways to get what he wanted (what he wanted was abnormal, clearly about power and self-admiration) and he was very good at doing this in a way that was hard for me to pick-up on initially.
Most of the articles I read about narcissists in relationships talk about them being mean - I wonder if I just wasn't with him long enough for this aspect to come out, or if it's that narcissists aren't always mean in this sense. He actually made an effort to show he cared about me, but this was more about lovebombing than genuine caring, whereas articles I read about narcissists talk about them bullying their partners such as by making comments to undermine their self-confidence or using emotional triggers to gain control over partners.
It'd be useful to know as I'm trying to understand him to avoid this again in the future.
I think it might be useful to check out this post by @Histerikal. They discuss their experience with having narcisisstic personality disorder and I think you may find it helpful.
@Kasha2000
Thanks for sharing your story! Narcs come in many shapes and sizes, and often times they can be very charming and good at displays of affection, but often times these displays are shallow, self-serving, and do not demonstrate real empathy. Narcs resort to bullying and aggression usually after their other tactics have failed. In another thread, someone posted a useful typology and one of the categories was "covert narcisissm," referring to narcissists that get their energy from, to use your great word "lovebombing." But the point isn't what they're doing, it's their motivation. A key to identyfing selfish displays of care is this: is he doing it in a way that is highly visible to others? Does he demonstrate he most care and kindness when he thinks others are watching and/or he feels he can be rewarded for it?
Another key is that if you dare to directly question a narcissist's motives--or even hint at it--they will do whatever is necessary to shut you down, whether that means slamming the door in your face (metaphorically speaking), ostracising you, character assassination, or through manipulating others' opionions by trying to garner pity or attention for themselves (often by creating a victimhood narrative).
Hope this helps.
