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How do I accept and let go what happened with us?

Relationship Stress / by Kasha2000

August 7th, 2018

...See more It's been a little over a week, it had been short but intense and was everything I'd wanted, we were blissfully happy up until the arguments where he'd not listen and gaslight - I called him out on this and he ended it, we were being civil until a few days later when I brought it up again and he saw it as a personal attack so got nasty then cut all contact. His ex wife had accused him of emotional abuse and it broke his heart, so he was sensitive about being called out for anything like that and it was deal-breaker for him, but he was hurting me and I'm not sure what else I was expected to do. I didn't attack him or blame him as I don't think it was intentional, I didn't ever curse at him or shout: a person should be able to tell their partner what they're doing is upsetting them without that partner breaking up with them! I know I wasn't completely blame-free as the arguments involved us both (poor communication and insecurities from us both, my frustration making my tone aggressive and making me push for resolution - but no argument is ever great), I know I hurt him by bringing up the gaslighting issue, but I wasn't in the wrong for speaking-up. I don't see any other way for this to have played out, nothing I could have done differently or better would have changed his behavior. I couldn't see a future biting my tongue and tolerating his refusing to listen to me, or keep having him finding ways to dismiss/discredit my perspective/feelings and making false accusations against me. This relationship was destined to end and nothing could have changed that...so why do I keep going over it?! Why can't I accept it and let it go? I hate it's over, that I hurt him, that he can't accept his behaviour, that he might hate me, also this has meant potentially having to write off a shared social group as he's closer with them and right now just seeing him in group chat upsets me. I'm also really struggling to consolidate who he was when we were good verses how he's behaved now, to me he's still that vulnerable wonderful man who took such good care of me and who I wanted to make happy. I still can't help but give him the benefit of the doubt, I'm sure he wasn't doing this intntionally and this was all due to his emotional problems, it didn't feel abusive at the time but rather jut horribly unhealthy. It's sad rather than making him a bad or abusive person. He had no choice but to end it as he was hurt, I had no choice but to say how he made me feel. I've no friends/family and too much time on my hands, I'm not sure how to get myself to feel better.

Do I have to give up my social group?

Depression Support / by Kasha2000

July 16th, 2020

...See more I [35/F] have no friends so I joined Meetup, there are only a few meetups locally but this one is ideal for me - rock group with people my own age, go places I like to go - there are few other opportunities to meet people. I've gotten on okay with some people but I'm still more an acquaintance who kind of hangs to the side as I have autism so seem shy and I really struggle to connect to people, I still like going because without a group to go with I can't really go to the places I like to go and I still hope to make some friends with these people. My boyfriend [36/M] joined this group a few months after me and integrated quickly - he became a core member, the group have unofficial get togethers and they stated inviting him/he started his own get togethers (including nights out, he's stated a book club and had movie nights, he went to a music fstival fo a few days with some of the members). We started dating and through him I was invited to a few of the unofficial get togethers, like nights out and went to one members house, but this didn't increase my standing in the group. Now we've broken up, we had a falling out where he became nasty and we're not talking. While still talking we agreed to avoid each other at meetups (checking on meetup app or group chat) but I still feel uncomfortable with going to the meetups now due to his being so popular, and I'm certainly not comfortable inviting myself to unofficial get togethers (which I'd know about via group chat). I can't treat writing off this group as if it's no big deal, there are so few opportunities for me to meet new people. I doubt they'd take sides and I don't think my ex would bad-mouth me, but they are his friends while I've no real connections, and that they've seen us go from super happy to not talking makes it feel awkward. I don't know if I should just give up and go back to having no social life or if I should maybe give it a few months and try to go to an official meetup to see if I can at least keep something of it. TL;DR - Broke-up with ex, now unsure if I can keep hanging out with shared social group as he's closer with them.

How should a healthy relationship feel at the start?

Relationship Stress / by Kasha2000

July 6th, 2018

...See more Just broke-up with my boyfriend of two months, I can now see that our relationship was unhealthy due to codependency [both needing to feel wanted] and the issues that this caused is what saw the relationship end, but for the most part it seemed/felt absolutely amazing. We made each other unbelievably happy, we both felt connected with each other on so many levels it felt like we were made for each other, we felt safe to be vulnerable in ways we'd not been with other people...I thought this is how it should feel at the start of a big relationship. On reflection I think this was just because we both found what we needed in each other; giving each other the sense of being wanted, I wanted to be cared for while he wanted someone to care for. But does that mean these feelings can't be acheived in a healthy relationship? I'm scared I'll not feel anything that good again - especially as I'm not getting any younger so I feel pressured to find someone, the chances of finding something so good is so rare and so finding this in the next few years within a healthy relationship seems impossible. If I do find something that feels this good again I'm scared it'll mean something's wrong, that I've fallen into something unhealthy and will get hurt. Not sure which is worse: not feeling like that again or going through this hurt again.

Not dealing well - help.

Relationship Stress / by Kasha2000

July 6th, 2018

...See more In a relationship for just two months but was very intense - felt like we were both just as committed long-term and felt safe to be ourselves. For both of us it's rare to connect with anyone, let alone as much as we did, it felt like we were made for each other. We were happy. We started having arguments - small misunderstndings escalated as he'd dismiss my perspectives/feelings - he wouldn't listen, he'd just go straight into telling me how my perceptive was wrong so I had no right to be upset or misunderstand. He'd go off on tangents where almost every word I used he claimed meant I was falsely accusing him of something horrible, I couldn't say a word without him twisting it around. I'd get frustrated/upset, which would convince him he (being logical and calm) was right and I was wrong. I believe he was [unintentionally] gaslighting as he's emotionally avoidant; he becomes robotic/logical to try to avoid the emotion in arguments. In the last argument he accused me of causing drama and threatened to beakup, I defended myself as I'd done all I could to avoid this drama. I explained his behavior was making me feel gaslighted...I didn't directly accuse him but this was enough for him breakup with me. He sent me an email a day later explaining things and it showed how bad our communication was - despite my explaining multiple times he still didn't know what I was referring to (re. gaslighting) and instead had concocted this theory using my ADHD against me to claim due to this I was experiencing memory loss and making things up to fill in the gaps, he also said I'd used the term gaslighting to intentionally hurt him/end the relationship. I sent him a reply explaining I disagreed, still being civil and voiding the gaslighting issue, we agreed to disagree. We'd been messaging to sort out practical matters (he'd also been finding excuses to message me), we were on speaking terms and I'd have liked it to stay that way...just maybe distanced ourselves until we could try to just be friends again (which he'd said he wanted too), I thought that the connection and comfort we felt with each other is too rare and precious for us both to want to just lose it. He said he had re-read my email and agreed so he seemed receptive, thus I brought up the gaslighting issue. Not the best idea but for the sake of my sanity it had to be said as he was blaming everything on me, also it felt important to point out his behavior to him. I should have left it but what I said was rasonable and consuctive - he however saw it as a personal attack, he responded in a very hostile way. He's asked me to collect my things (tomorrow) and has stopped all contact with me. So... I've been driving myself crazy trying to figure out if I'm in the wrong, I can be defensive and struggle to step away from arguments, plus we clearly both have different communication styles - but the thing is, he shouldn't be dismissing me or going to such extremes to convince me my perspective was wrong, I should be able to tell a partner their behavior is hurting me without them breaking up with me!! I'm still trying to understand how we went from something so amazing to this mess. I'm upset that he has cut contact now...even if maybe it's for the best. Things I'm struggling with right now... 1. I'm struggling to see we weren't compatible and his behavior means it wasn't an amazing relationship, that I didn't do something wrong to lose an 'amazing relationship'. I have really tried to see how he could have viewed the arguments, to see if I'm out of line thinking this was gaslighting...I don't think I am, but I'm second-guessing myself. 2. I've no friends or family, currently I also don't work so that means a lot of time on my hands to over-think all this. My life is generally not great right now: no job, no friends, no money, no life, no future...I'm very lonely and stuck unable to really change anything right now, which is not a good place to be after a breakup. We spent all our time together and had a lot of plans together for the future too, so now I've no idea what to do with myself. Plus we met via a meetup group, he's fiends with most members so worried this option for meeting people is closed to me now. 3. I'm caught-up worrying about if he really cared about me as much as he seemed to while we were together (if he did he'd not have ended it, right?), how he thinks about me now, and if he'll remember me fondly in the future. It distresses me thinking that maybe he was going off me and used this as an excuse to end things (he seems upset so don't think so), but also upset he may not look back fondly on me/us...it huts when I think so much of him/us. 4. I'm very guarded, I think that if I don't let people get to know the real me then it would hurt less if they chose to reject me, thus that I let him in so much is a huge deal for me. Now I'm scared if lucky enough to find something that feels this good again I'm going to be an insecure mess unable to fully trust a new relationship, also in general I keep thinking about the fact that this guy who knew me so well and claimed to love me could reject me so easily...

Does this count as 'disordered eating'?

Eating Disorder Support / by Kasha2000

September 11th, 2017

...See more I have a big problem where I can't seem to control my eating, I tend to binge a lot on foods I shouldn't be eating. When I say 'I shouldn't be eating' I mean foods like sweets, cake, cookies, etc. but also pasta, bread, pizza, etc. - it's not just because they are generally unhealthy and I'm gaining weight, but also they seem to cause additional problems for me like bloating and diarrhea (my doctor has ruled out gluten intolerance, it just seems my body has a big problem digesting high-carb/sugar foods), I'm also fairly certain it's adding to my depression, causing brain fog, and contributing to neurological issues (autism and adhd). I'll decide to 'treat' myself but I'm doing this more and more often, days and days on end, and when depressed I feel like my depression takes over or I try to justify it by saying to myself that it'll help me feel better. When I 'treat' myself I go on impulse so it's not just one bar of chocolate but I might buy a bag of cookies and a cake (if it's cheap, such as from a cheap food store or is on sale, I'll buy even more): you know so I may decide I want chocolate but then see a bag of fruity sweets so grab those, then think that I'd need something savory to balance it so get a bag of chips, then think I fancy some chocolate milk so get that too, etc. etc. I think OCD plays a small role too: I'm used to eating sweets after savory, I'm used to eating a Mars bar after a certain savory breakfast food in my routine, I'm used to eating something before bed...only now it's not just one little thing like a slice of toast, after eating something small I feel I have to eat something else (like sweet after savory), there is a sense of compulsion involved in this sometimes. I can't save or ration out food, that one bag of cookies will only last me one day and so the next day if I want something sweet I'll buy more - I think this is to do with poverty: when you grow-up poor you don't know where your next meal is coming from so you get anxious and that drives you to eat everything in one go. It's not just sweet food either, even if it's healthy food like vegetables...if I have food I inhale it, which traps me in a viscious cycle of binge eating due to anxiety caused by poverty, but when I can't ration my food that causs anxity too! When I'm eating I could eat something but then think 'I enjoyed that' so eat another straight afterwards, before I know it I've eating so much I feel sick, there's just nothing there to stop me from continuing to eat and various compulsion (anxiety, OCD, depression) push it too. As money is so tight I can't afford to stock-up on healthy foods - if I had a nutrient dense filling healthy meal I'd be less likely to binge, if I had healthy snacks I could binge on those rather than unhealthy foods, if I could fill my refridgerator withlean meats and vegetables I could get myself in the mind-set of healthy eating to cut out carbs long enough to break the carb-binging cycle a little bit...as carbs cause carb craving. But the fact is it's cheaper to buy unhealthy food (this isn't open for discussion, this is a fact), when I only have a small amount of money I can't afford healthy and have to go for cheap junk. I also find although things like meal planning can help me afford healthier food...I don't feel like eating it when it comes to it, by the tie it comes to eat a meal I don't want the meal sitting for me in the fridge but I want to go out and buy something new...queue making it easier for me to grab unhealthy foods. I end-up trapped in cycles: - Eat unhealthy food because I'm depressed: unhealthy food makes me more depressed. - Eat unhealthy food, increase cravings for unhealthy food...thus eat more unhealthy food! This cannot be normal. But I don't really want to go to a therapist about this, not to mention my doctor likely wouldn't take me seriously anyway (because from their perspective I'm a healthy weight/size and have no problems in terms of nutrient deficiency) so wouldn't be willing to refer me anyway. I feel I have a bit of an idea what causes this, just not how to stop myself - so what do I do?

Difficult work situation - can anyone offer advice?

Anxiety Support / by Kasha2000

August 31st, 2017

...See more I've anxiety, and I'm also Autistic. My employers do not know I'm Autistic or that I've anxiety. Technically it's not work, but a voluntary role (I need to work voluntary jobs for recent work experience and references). I've had a serious fear of phones for a while but over the last few weeks I've managed to overcome that to work on the phones in this voluntary position, so that's a plus...but I'd still like off the phones and would rather deal with clients face-to-face. I'm struggling with face-to-face, not because I can't do it and I'm not anxious about dealing with clients face-to-face but because in order to go forward with this I have to have a trainer sit in with me on a few of my initial appointments with clients. I feel my trainer is becoming aggitated with me, she's supposed to be shadowing me but instead she's having to take all the clients and I'm just sitting in, she keeps trying to push me and she sits with me between appointments just hanging over me so it's adding to my anxiety. In situations like this I get stubborn, I've been refusing to even consider taking cases and now I'm just refusing point-blank every time she offers me a case to do myself. I feel she's getting mad at me for wasting her time, I fear they're going to ask me to leave if it continues, but I just can't seem to break out of this because the more she is pushing me into it the more anxious I get and the more I dig my heels in. I attempted to take one case the first time she shadowed me, but it didn't go well as the client kept talking to my trainer so she took over - I believe this is because the client was older and so is the trainer, although I'm an adult in my 30's I guess it's a generational thing. My trainers/supervisors seem to think my refusing to do this is because I lack confidence in my abilities. This is not the case, I think I'll do fine face-to-face, my anxiety is purely due to the idea that they will be there listening-in to me. I can't tell you exactly why this makes me anxious but I've ALWAYS felt this way, I've been known to rip up important art pieces and even drop out of art in college because I couldn't cope with peope looking at my work while I was working on it. It may be that I dont like criticism (although I don't like praise either!) and not being absolutely perfect, but also I'm independent and just prefer working on my own. I'm not sure what to do, I'm so worked up if they try to shadow me in face-to-face again - rather than just letting me go back on phones - I may suffer a [autistic] meltdown or freak-out on them and walk out of the job all together. I'm just not sure how the hell to calm down about it and explain that maybe they need to forget about me doing face-to-face for now as I'm not comfortable with this trainer or being listened into - but I still also feel like I'm causing them a lot of drama with this, I'm not really sure how to save face and get back on track here.

Question about narcissists within [abusive] relationships.

Personality Disorders Support / by Kasha2000

June 4th, 2017

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