the pattern

i thought i got better

but im back in this wretched loop

of my personal circle of ***

i remember her yell at me saying i hated her

and i would yell too

trying to prove that 

i wasnt so bad

until i realised she had made me hate her

i used to hope for understanding

search for love where there was none

just a never ending

list of insults that wasnt done

id used to yell back

try to be heard

now i just stand 

shoulders hunched like a sack

and brace myself for the machine gun that is her mouth

the insults the hate

maybe this is just my fate

to be the son who had a mother that couldnt love

nothing has changed

the yelling never ceased

the punches still flew

yet somehow before it didnt feel so bad

it felt less blue

now after the yellings done

i go to my room

get myself cleaned up

take a smoke and grab a drink

anything so that i cant think

about what shes said and done

the time she told me shed be happy if i ran away

as long as i didnt come back

the time she nearly pushed me down a staircase

because i had talked back

the many fights

both word and fist

will never erase from my mind  

i remember the hospital lights

from the time i didnt eat for days

because even i myself couldnt be kind

even to me

especially to me

id been taught that i dont deserve

anything above the bare minimum

id been told all a parent has to provide

is clothes, shelter, food and education

just the bare minimum

which love isnt a part of

the person who was supposed to protect me

was the one i needed protecting from

shed be a good mother somedays

acting like nothing had ever happened

but cant you see? 

its all a part of her plan

get me to trust her

just to make it worse in the end

once ive stopped falling for those tricks

shed get mad

call me ungrateful

even though all ive ever had

from her was hate

she did sacrifice

so much for me

and i admit that i care

that im grateful

but it does not compare

to the amount of what she but me through

it isnt fair

to demand thanks after doing such things

i cannot deal with this much more

as i do not know what for

it wont stop until i leave

yet thats still years away

for now i simply try

to forget and ignore

as i cannot even cry

anymore.