Today…

I didn’t eat lunch today did you?

I didn’t eat lunch today, 

I forgot how to chew. 

I didn’t eat lunch today,

because of you.

I didn’t eat at all today

because of my insecurities issue.

Not because I can, 

But because I need to,

because that’s what I'm accustomed to. 

At lunch you asked if I’m ok,

And i couldn’t lie, 

But what was I supposed to say?

No Ms. Lawson I’m sullen,

Crazy in my head, 

But that I could not say, 

Could not say, 

The last time I ate, prayed, or gave.

They tell me to eat but it’s hard to,

 Isn't it hard to eat for you too?

“No” you’d say and assume I’m fine,

 “I eat well” you’d say,

While I sit, rot, and decay into a thin line. 

You only thought about your feelings,

 And you forgot mine.

You forget because I’ve learned an automatic response to say “I’m fine”

“I am fine” I convince myself at night.

I think that while I lie awake, 

Not able to sleep, 

Even after a long day. 

I’d say…”I. Am. Fine.”

But my brain could not believe that lie. 

Could not believe that survival instincts 

Even when I’d thought I might die.

If I let out my feelings and flew high. 

I didn’t eat dinner today because I ate lunch. 

I didn’t eat dinner today, 

Because that wall was too tempting to punch.

Oh right, that wall, the one that did nothing,

Yet I still feel like it’s staring my way,

So I punch,

I punch the wall

The wall that was tempting me all day…

I got angry today.

I got angry today did you? 

I got angry today because of you

“Am I going mad?” I’d say in a desperate voice

 that didn’t reach you.

Too quiet, as it flew, across the room,

 in only a whisper as I chew, 

That gum I chew - the only thing keeping me sane.

“Sorry” “sorry” “sorry” 

It gets more tiring each day. 

Apologies for nothing even blamed my way.

I laughed today but they laughed too.

Were they laughing at me?

No they weren’t. 

But what if they were?

Will you laugh too?

Please tell me you’ll help me through.

Through this mess I’m going through….

I cried today for the first time in years,

I cried today but I couldn’t stop the tears.

This mess I’m in,

It’s a living ***,

This mess I’m in I can’t even tell,

If I’m dying or doing well.

“You look like a mess” 

What the *** does that even mean?

I feel like a mess,

I look like a mess,

I am a mess,

Yes, I’m in distress

I don’t need reminded of who I’m supposed to be…

But then I do,

I need that reminder so I stay tuff,

So I can bluff,

So that I’m enough, 

To just be…

I’m in class,

 I can’t do this anymore 

I wanna come home mom,

What do I do?

I wanna come home mom,

But not to you.

I wanna come home mom.

Mom, why does school make me feel so blue?

Mom, I need you.

I’ll sit in class and stare,

I’ll never mentally be there.

My body enters the room before I really do.

Mom, please, I beg you.

Come pick me up,

But no can do.

You say it’s just school,

Just one more day of the week

and then the weekend.

But mom, each day is a decade

in this point of view.,

“Mama, please..

Listen to me.”

“I will, sweetheart”

But then you never actually do

Come and get me,

I’m so tired.

“Please,” i beg 

but then it doesn’t matter to you

You assume I’m avoiding a test,

But no, 

I’m avoiding this daily stress.

Please, mama, 

I promise I’m not an actress.

Please quit making it seem like less,

Less pain, less of this mess.

I’m not overexadurating,

There’s more…

I’m not crying because I can’t.

I’m not crying because of all this time I’ve spent,

Sitting here overthinking, 

when all I need is to vent.