split episode

I wish my brain wasn’t like this

Retract, retreat, verbally abuse and beat

I portray you as a villain again and again

Use your past actions as a means to end

I guess I just don’t feel worthy

Of accepting love just for the sake of being me

I mean, what even is there to love?

I’m a broken shell wearing nothing but lies

My empty insides, hollow in their loneliness

Leaves too much room for this disguise

I lie face first, at the mercy of expectation

My chest rattles with the possibility of all I could never be

My ever loving heart always present, but never seen

Surrounded by people who will never want to know what I mean

I plaster on fake smile after fake smile

Their kisses are like knives as they maim and claim

Assert domain over what little of my sanity remains

The remains of what makes me me

A puppet constructed of judgements

Of broken promises

A collection of all the attention people once gave

They took and took as I bled out unwanted love

They took and once they were done

They dragged me to my grave

Once again

I’m left in the shadow of empty words

They carve me from the inside out

Stamp on my still beating heart

Turn my mind to dust, my trust to doubt

I struggle to escape them as I face the finality

That maybe I’m right in wanting out of this reality

How much pain does one person need

And whilst we’re being honest

Who honestly needs me?

Catty and damaged and soft and kind and horrible and nasty and loving and refined

I’m one in a million

The only of my kind

I think it’s a bad thing, an anomaly

I’m a cocktail of so many mixed messes and tests

Of intrusive thoughts crafted by my psychology

They relentlessly attack and I struggle, even when at my best

Let alone when I’m lying here, stuck on hells floor, I feel their words in their finality

I’ve given up crawling towards whatever desperate end

I want to let myself burn

I want it to hurt

I want the pain to make it mean something

So maybe I can finally feel like it wasn’t all for nothing

How can you love yourself in a world that doesn’t love you

It criticises and hates on all that you do

You’re too difficult

Too loud

Too stubborn

Too proud

Too much like you in all the things it demands you to do

They stamp out the light of what makes you you

And people say they’ll stay

That promise echoed in my head as I watched him drive away

Hope falling with the sun at the end of the day

How do I change without being less like me?

How do I get you to understand that all I need

Is to hold your hand, so I can truly be seen

I need to know you’ll stay in a world that has taught me that people do not

But silly me, I forgot

I’m too difficult

Too loud

Too stubborn

Too proud

Too good at pushing people away

Too good at making them not stay

Too good at cutting wounds so deep

With my wicked tongue and damaged ways

But I still love, I have to

What else can I do, what else can I say?