tw/ a regular day

i went to school

feeling oh so drained

i barely slept

no point in it anyway

i was not a fool

but i was quite pained

all night i wept

i never could have my way

at school i didnt pay attention

i slept in class in hopes of getting

any snippet of rest i could

i needed it to deal with my home

there was no direction

in my life i was just betting

on whether or not this day could be good

i just hoped i would be left alone

the bus ride was silent like everyday

i just stared out the window and thought

about life and her actions and true love

maybe hoped something bad would happen

like getting robbed in an alleyway

because i was taught

that love isnt given its earned or collected like crumbs off the floor

that nothing i wanted should happen

so i believed that when i needed affection

i was like a whiny old dog

begging for love and attention

and getting kicked like a rock

when i got home it was reflex

to take off my bag and do dishes

then i went upstairs hoping to stay unnoticed

yet failing once again

i really tried to deflect

when the yelling started my only wishes

were for it to end and for me to not get noticed

again

i went to my room and did homework

losing myself more as i wrote

i could hear them fighting and yelling

through the thin paper walls

i felt like such a jerk 

i just wanted to write a note

then slit someones throat

and go to jail

i tried to focus on spelling

but i couldnt help but listen to her calls

she talked about me a lot

about how i was a bad kid

how i was hard to deal with

how she didnt like me

but i fought

and i hid

from my thoughts and myth

i just wanted to be

id try to sleep

but mostly wouldnt

and would just think

what would it be like to be de*d

i wanted to keep

my brain from going there but couldnt

i would stare at the ceiling and blink

until my whole body felt like lead

those days were tough to live through

with no reason to keep going

but i somehow made it like a zombie

barely holding on

its a hard truth to chew

but i wasnt even growing

in any way

just living on

now im still lost

i will not lie

but at least i have a point

a reason not to count my days

but theres a cost

i got high

i smoked a joint

and that got me out my ways

only to make me into something worse