Love, or Something Like It

There’s unspoken expectations

At my age there should be:

An embrace with my soulmate

Chime of wedding bells

Something borrowed and blue

White picket fence

Two and a half kiddos.

Love is confusing

There’s different types

Romantic love is a puzzle to me.

A constant search 

For affection and connection.

Jumping from one person

To the next.

For a while, 

We were inseparable

Everything was great.

I mean we still talk everyday

But there’s this mental wall.

Amplified emotions

Racing thoughts

Is this a meet cute or is this mental illness?

My BPD makes it hard to trust my feelings.

How do I know any of it is real?

Overthinking

Stuck in my mind.

He says he loves me

But he doesn’t really know me.

I don’t really know him

It’s been three months.

Feels like we were on the fast track

Now the train is slowing down.

Our souls were drawn to each other

We had similar qualities

There was mutual understanding.

I’m twisted

I want to be able to trust myself

The process

But my mind either feels too much or feels 

Nothing at all.

But as I have realized

I don’t really know love

Beyond the physical.

And if I don’t know if this feeling is love

I ask myself

How can he really love me?