Hopeful0001 Member Profile

Everything feels like it’s falling apart

Work & Career / by Hopeful0001

1 day ago

Facing housing issues

General Support / by Hopeful0001

July 12th

...See more We were on a month to month in a house from a private landlord. Our lease said 2 dogs could be inside the home. We have four dogs but two of them are registered as service animals and we have their papers. On June 29th, the landlord texted my boyfriend screenshots of a video of our living room which they got from my social media profile. They said that we voided the lease by having four dogs inside the home and two of them had to go outside. We made it clear to them that two of them were service animals and therefore not considered pets. They said that they didn’t care about that and if we didn’t agree we could give our 30 days. Not wanting to be homeless we agreed to put two of the dogs outside. The landlord in a text message said he would be to view the house on 7/5 but never specified a time. On 7/2 the landlord came by to drop off a bale of hay which he had promised us in June when we moved in because they gave us the home in disgusting conditions. There was rat poop everywhere. The fridge had to be deep cleaned to be able to be up to health code. The home is not up to fire or electric code. The window screens are broken. We have noticed that the rat poop keeps happening and told them about it. But they said they do not plan on putting any money into repairs. When they dropped off the bale of hay, they could clearly hear that I had put two of the dogs outside as they requested of us. On 7/4, at 11:57pm, my partner and I got a text message from the landlord. He said he was going to be coming by on 7/5 at 12pm. We told him this wouldn’t work for us as my partner has to work fire duty and we requested he come Monday around 6pm. I also informed him that legally, he did not give me 24 hour notice of his visit and he also contacted me at an unreasonable hour. He said that it wouldn’t work and he had to come by and could just talk to me. I asked what he needed to talk about and he said about the pet situation. Before I could reply my partner texted back and said that they are not pets and that we could sue him for that but that we are trying to be reasonable. The landlord said he would reach out for a better time then. At 4pm today on 7/5, my landlord knocked on my door like he was the police. All loud and with authority and served me the 30 day notice. I told him I felt that it was in retaliation but he and his wife swear they just decided to go a different direction with the house. I did not believe him considering less than 24 hours ago he only wanted to come by to talk about the “pets”. I told him I would be suing him for discrimination, for the state of the home, etc, and that I have receipts. I’m just so mad and frustrated because I’m new to this state and now we have to find somewhere else to go. The great thing about this property was that it was in the country side no neighbors near us and we could have our farm animals in the barn area. I submitted a complaint to the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development for the housing discrimination and am trying to reach out to a lawyer. We are going to buy a property and move out but god, I’m going to bury them in legal fees. Has this ever happened to anyone else?

My dog passed in my arms this early morning

Grief & Loss / by Hopeful0001

April 5th

...See more I had scheduled an appointment to take Sophie to the vet to be put to sleep. The appointment was set for 10:30am. I was holding Sophie since I finished work yesterday and then I woke up with her at 2am, I had noticed she threw up the food on my pillow. I cleaned it up and took Sophie with me to the couch where I sat with her. Sophie was pressed against me and I could feel her heartbeat and her breathing/groaning still. The heartbeat was going so fast. I don't know when it happened exactly. I just know that when I stood up at about 5am, she was gone. I double checked. I could not feel or hear her heart beating anymore, there was no air coming out of her mouth, and jarring movements did not cause her to groan anymore. Her eyes looked so lifeless. I had to gently close her eyelids to make it look like she is sleeping. I was ready but I also was not ready to lose her. She has been a part of me since I was 14 and I am 30. For many years, Sophie has been the sole reason for not giving up. Especially after my grandfather passed away in 2019, Sophie was my rock. I have her wrapped up in a blanket next to me on the bed. I still have that scheduled appointment for 10:30 but I am going to call once it is 8am and explain what has happened. I have never done this before. My last dog was put down by my parents when I was away for college 10 years ago. Sophie December 18 2009 - March 26 2026 Beloved pet. Amazing emotional support animal. I hope you are playing with all the squeaky toys up in heaven now. I have a bag with your collar and your toys and I don't know if I keep them for the future when I am ready for another or if I send them away with you. I miss you so much Sophie and it has only been a few hours.

What about me? TW: Sexual trauma, grooming, coercion, mental health

Poetry / by Hopeful0001

February 14th

...See more Sitting on the shelf, Collecting dust, I am unseen and unheard. My thoughts are loud but there is no way to mute them. Dealing with this intense feeling that I don’t actually matter. Feeling tolerated but not loved. My scars are inside me, You can’t see them. I know I always seem like a positive bubble But the pain is suffocating. I was thirteen when I was first exposed To the ugly reality of the internet. I always hid away on the internet Kids were mean at school. Called me ugly, hairy, unwanted… Sometimes I ask if they were right. At fourteen, I was a bus rider. The middle school bus stopped at a secondary middle school. One day I get a message “I have been watching you..’ from a boy. We have mutual friends. I find it so strange and I try to turn him down. Mom said no dating and I wanted to focus on schoolwork. The boy takes a photo of me in a bathing suit and puts our initials. I tell him how creeped out he has made me feel And he threatens to hurt himself unless I date him. I blocked him. At age fifteen I remember a boy two years my age He wanted me. I was waiting for the shoe to drop. No one can actually like me. He was so assertive and it scared me So I rejected his advances. Guess that broke his ego Because suddenly I was ugly and He didn’t want me Shamed me online. At sixteen, I was seeking validation. I felt like I was ugly. I hated my body shape. Stupid action came next I took inappropriate photos. I thought that was what I had to do to be worth something. Unknown amount of downloads on the internet and horrible comments before I finally deleted them. Still sixteen, I met Chuck. No one really liked Chuck. Chuck was 28. He was blunt and I thought he was funny. It was summer time and my parents were too busy for me. It went on for months Chuck’s wife accused me of flirting with Chuck. Chuck told me “I could have exploited you at any time”. Chuck’s friends say that I was flirting with Chuck and that I asked for it. Chuck gets banned from the doll site. A month before eighteen, Got a request on an old social media account. Chuck. “You’re almost legal?” Repulsive. Immediately delete the account. At eighteen I moved in with my grandparents for university. I find myself on an anonymous app. Grandma stops me from meeting up with an unknown adult at a dark trail. Grandma, you don’t know you stopped that meeting. Grandma just didn’t want me leaving home after dark as it was her home’s rules. At twenty-two, I end up committed. 72 hours. At age twenty-three, I met a man 11 years older than me. I posted asking for food and he brought me food. Alarm bells are ringing in my head But I needed food and he came inside. At least he agreed to leave his gun in his car. He said he was a private cop. I ask to stop when things get sexual He asked if he could continue and I sat there. I don’t stop him as he touches me. At twenty-four, It doesn’t matter that I told this man my limits He gets what he wants. I don’t go to the police Because I don’t want to be judged. At twenty-five, My safety is corrupted at work. Work is supposed to be safe. More than twice my age He says sexual things to me, propositioning me, touches me. I press charges. Two years later Despite video evidence And me being willing to testify As scared as I was He gets nolo contendere And he pays 500 dollars He’s fine, He’s free. What about me? I am not free. Last year, Things got so bad. Sexually blackmailed for months. I find myself constantly thinking about all the trauma Past and how things are never safe. It feels like being traumatized is normal and Maybe I’m not supposed to feel safe. I know that I should talk More about this with my therapist. God, I am such a hypocrite. It’s hard. Telling my therapist about all these things It makes it more real than I need it to be. I don’t know. I don’t know. I guess I am scared The moment I dive further into the trauma The pain will be overbearable.

I am not ready to say goodbye

Grief & Loss / by Hopeful0001

January 13th

...See more My dog.. my family member... my reason for why I am still alive when when life got hard... I am not ready to say goodbye to her. Everyone is saying that I am being selfish and that I should let her rest, that she is not having quality of life. But what does quality of life truly mean? How do I know that she does not enjoy her life? How can I make such a hard decision during this time? I do not feel ready to let my baby go. I see her, she does not look like she used to. I see that she is less meat, more skinny, she is old, 16 years, 16x7 is 112 years. So it is not unusual that she has lost her muscle mass. She still feels like she has weight to her. She eats food greedily. She always wants to eat. My mom and aunt say that she is always hungry, that she is likely not getting the nutrients and that is why she is always hungry.. but maybe it is just she is a dog and dog love food. She ran for my cracker when it fell the other day... Her nose is moist and I have always been taught, a moist nose is a healthy nose. Is that wrong? I just don't understand. Her bloodwork from last month was fine when I brought her to the vet because I noticed she was skinny and the doctor said that maybe the skinny can be due to the teeth. I also pointed out the swollen lymph node and the cysts I have noticed on her skin. He said they could do an x-ray to see if there are masses inside her but that likely they could do nothing for that. So I did not do the x-ray. It cost more than I had in my bank account. The doctor did not suggest putting her down. My cousin last week told me that if I bring Sophie to any vet in how she is and tell them that I want to put her down to rest, they will not argue. I asked them to give me until Christmas and on Christmas, my cousin said It is Christmas, what are you doing? I am not ready. I am scared of a life without my Sophie. I understand that my dog cannot live forever but I am scared that by putting her down, I am cutting her life short. What if there is something that can be done to help her? I don't want to give up on her. She has been here for me. I love her so much and this is going to break me.

Letters that i will never send

Journals & Diaries / by Hopeful0001

October 29th, 2025

...See more Dear Birth mom Lisa Calling you mom feels weird. I have a mom, a mom who choose me not the drugs. You repeatedly choose the drugs over seeing me grow. You were weak. I want to hate you. I blame you for why my brain is broken. You could not be clean enough to give me a good start. The positive that came from knowing you is knowing my brother. Your addiction took me away from growing up and bonding with my siblings. I had a chance to know my sister growing up and you stole that. You were an addict and you wanted it all. You called CPS on my mom. You were vindictive, maybe Breanna would be better if she grew up with me. You go to all these meetings and I wonder how close you are from slipping? What can I say without risking your sobriety? You say me coming back into your life helps keep you sober… yeah.. No pressure. You never call me, you don’t text, when I call you you are either working or going to a meeting so you have limited time to talk. You call me your daughter but you have not earned that, you dont know me and you dont know what it really means to be a mother. I think about all the milestones you missed out on. Birthdays. Holidays. First steps. Everything. You missed out on everything that would have made you my mother. I also cannot stop myself from being jealous. My siblings had you in their life, I know their lives werent perfect, but they had you. For my birthday, you said my present was a movie and dinner, and I know gifts arent everything, but it felt like a poor gift for someone who missed 24 of my birthdays. I wish you had tried for me when it mattered. I wish you could have gotten sober but each visit, you were high off some type of drug because drugs mattered more than me. I cant help but be angry at you. You gave birth to me but you are not my mother. You weren’t the one to watch me take my first steps. You didn’t hold me when I fell. You didn’t comfort me when my heart was broken. Sure, you have told me you are proud of me and who I have become but you dont know how I got here. I am here not because of anything you ever did. When you say you love me, I find it hard to say it back. Saying I love you feels forced. I want to hate you but I don’t actually hate you. But I am not ready to express love. You put poison in your body when I was in your body, you essentially poisoned me! A mother is supposed to nurture their child, but you invaded my brain with drugs before I could even breathe. You jeopardized me before you even knew me. Don’t get me wrong, Lisa. I am glad you are sober now. I just hate that it took you SO long. I am an adult. I am 30. I spent my entire life knowing you were an addict, knowing that I was a drug baby, knowing that drugs were more important than me. I wish you could have been strong enough when I was an infant, so I could have grown with my siblings. I wish life could have been fair. I love my adoptive mom and I would not replace her in a heartbeat but I wish you had cared enough to try when you had the opportunity because I was not even adopted until i was three or four. I spent the first few years as a foster kid, you had every opportunity but I didnt matter then. Only the drugs mattered. It also *** me off when you couldn’t answer any of my questions about the 90s. It is too painful for you. I had to find out on my own that you were a prostitute and that my father was a john, and that he was married and I have a half brother. A half brother who wants nothing to do with me. I cant stand that you think everything is okay. I go to your yearly meetings and you brag about me. But it is not okay. I don’t forgive you for calling CPS and altering how Breanna grew up, altering my life. I turned out okay but it is not thanks to you. You had no part in making me who I am today.

Toxic

Relationship Stress / by Hopeful0001

June 19th, 2025

Where would you be today if you changed one event in your life?

Reading & Writing / by Hopeful0001

June 19th, 2025

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