3 Questions to Empower Your Children

The 3 Questions

These questions help children find their own solutions and find the power to put them into action.

1. What have you tried?

This question is empowering because children often feel helpless in the face of a problem. But just because they haven’t found a great solution doesn’t mean they haven’t made an effort. And effort should always be celebrated. This question also keeps you from suggesting things that they have already tried.

Example: My former best friend started being mean to me. I tried ignoring her, I tried being extra nice, and I tried getting the other kids to be mean to her.

2. How did it work?

This question activates self-reflection. Finding an answer requires children to consider the impact of their actions without blaming or lecturing. They may recognize that they actually had a good idea, but it just didn’t work perfectly. Or they might realize that their idea backfired, and it may be wise not to keep doing it.

A common answer to “What have you tried?” is “Nothing.” That’s OK. Still ask how it worked. Doing nothing is actually a strategy, and in some situations, it is the best strategy.

Example: Ignoring her and being nice to her made it worse. Getting the other kids to get her back got me into big trouble with the teacher. It isn’t fair!

3. What can you try next?

The last question empowers children to think creatively. It’s rare, of course, that the three questions will result instantly in a perfect idea. In fact, the most common answer to this question is, “I don’t know.” That puts parents right back where they started, eager to provide the solution. But hold your horses! Even if your child asks you what to do, resist that urge.

You might give a silly answer, such as, “Call on the aliens to send their spaceships to carry the bullies away!” (But only do this if the child is open to humor and won’t feel belittled or teased by such a joke.) The reason I like to give a ridiculous idea is that it allows the child to say, “That won’t work,” which they are dying to say about your ideas, no matter how good they are. Then you can say, “Oh, I guess that is kind of unrealistic. Do you have any ideas?” One reason children are reluctant to give their ideas is they have had their ideas dismissed or discounted so often. So be sure you are really ready to listen, not waiting to tell them, “That won’t work.”

Example: I guess I could try ignoring her again. When I tried it before I didn’t give it much time because she just made me so mad. But I think I could ignore her better now. And there’s this new girl in school who I think could be a good friend.

Read the complete article available at Psychology Today!

Reflection:

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