3 Ways to Combat Your People-Pleasing Instincts
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1. Recalibrate others’ expectations of you.
According to research, humans, like all mammals, have evolved unconscious and subtle ways to signal dominance and submission. Once the power dynamic of a relationship is established, it is often difficult to change.
What you can do, however, is call out unfair expectations other people have of you. This may seem daunting, and you may feel like you are being rude. You may have fears like the following:
- What if they stop hanging out with me after I call them out on their behavior?
- What if they tell other people I am being difficult?
- What if I hurt their feelings?
While these things may happen, it’s important to understand that anyone worth keeping around is unlikely to respond in these ways.
2. Say "no" more often and keep your explanations polite, short, and honest.
If you never say "no" to people, you will find that their requests eventually turn into demands. Rejecting requests from time to time is acceptable because it signals to people that you have your own life to live. Make time for yourself and your hobbies and do not flake out on yourself by giving in to pressure from others.
As an alternative to explaining yourself (especially if someone you love needs help), you can point them toward a solution that will help them without having to be directly involved. This way, you help them help themselves, and they will (hopefully) thank you for it in the long run.
3. Nobody is perfect, so cut yourself some slack.
Carefully consider why you might want to help this person and evaluate the opportunity cost of helping them:
- Is there something you would rather be doing that will help you grow as a person?
- Is helping this person the only way to feel good about yourself?
- Do you genuinely feel like helping them or are you just keen to prove yourself to them?
Doing this exercise will ensure that you feel in control of your decisions, even if you decide to help them.
The next time you feel compelled to be there for someone at the expense of your own well-being, remind yourself about the aspects of your personality you like. Also, remind yourself that nobody can be omnipresent. Tell yourself that whether or not you are there for this person at this time (and whether or not they appreciate you for it), your personality is going to remain the same."
@comfortableNight4463
Wow. This is a really well written post. Thank you so much for the insightful post.
No, I don't struggle with people pleasing. I'm never comfortable doing something or be someone just to please someone and feeling validated. I do fear losing people and feared this even in the past. I have learnt to cope with this feeling with time.
Acceptance is what helps me to let go of people or things when they wish to do so. If you closely observe, everything in nature is full of acceptance. Without acceptance the mind will always be worried and stressed about everything.
I feel the past experiences in someone's life could also be the reason for them to want do people pleasing. To all those who are struggling with people pleasing -
I hope you see how beautiful you are and are acceptable just the way YOU are. You don't have to be something else because no one else can be YOU. I always use a quote for describing the beauty within a person.
"Butterflies can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well."
Just like you yourself accept everyone with their flaws, similarly they must accept you for being Flawsome. :)
