Apologizing and Making Amends
“We all make mistakes, big and small. Amid our lives, we flounder. We let emotions and/or unconscious baggage dictate our words or actions, and in the process, sometimes cause people we love, care about, or respect pain. This is a fact of life and relationship, so the question is not will this happen. The question is what to do when it does happen.
Usually, when we think about apologies and making amends, we think about it in terms of providing healing for the injured party, and there’s no question it can be a gift. A sincere apology can be medicine for a wounded heart. But making amends can be equally healing and important for someone who has committed the wrong-doing. “There are measurable health benefits to having an open heart and a clear mind,” said Frederic Luskin, director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project. “A sincere apology is a central mechanism to self-forgiveness.”
David Hawkins, director of the Marriage Recovery Center, outlined a three-step process of apologizing: remorse, responsibility, and restitution.
- A sincere expression of remorse is a simple statement that you are truly sorry for what you’ve done without excuses, dismissal, and rationalizations.
- A statement of responsibility. We accept and understand our behavior's impact on the injured party.
- Restitution. We are willing to take whatever steps are necessary to make it up to the injured person–to listen to what they need from us. “Humbling ourselves,” he said, “we listen to what they need to feel safe again. We are paying back something we’ve taken from them.”
Our actions are an indication of our values and our character as a person. When we act in a way that violates these values, apologizing, making amends, and doing what it takes to make things right and prevent reoccurrence is the first step towards healing and a big step towards ensuring a future that is in alignment with the right living for everyone involved.”
Read the whole article at Psychology Today
#Apology #Amends #Healing
💬 What are your thoughts on this article?
@globalBraid3744
Wonderful article, Braid, thanks for sharing. ❤
A simple sorry wouldn't have much impact, without the person feeling really apologetic, taking responsibility for their action/ behaviour, being understanding and acknowledging of the impact it may have on the other person, and taking mindful steps to work on it, and try to do better next time.
With apologies, it's worth mentioning that how we phrase them is important too, and makes all the difference~ being sincere, genuinely apologetic and remorseful, interested to make amends and give our best for it. ❤
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Sun ❤ I completely agree that only sorry is often not enough and the phrasing is very important - we need to be sincere remorseful, and willing to make amends.
@globalBraid3744 Well said.
@globalBraid3744 well said
Thank you @ambitioushope1234 :)
@globalBraid3744
Very good article. Granting forgiveness and making amends are things I believe we all need to strive to do and do well.
Our actions are an indication of our values and our character as a person.
People would do well to remember this about the people we allow into our lives.
I needed to read this more than anything today. Unfortunately, the person causing me pain shuts down completely and resorts to the cold shoulder treatment. I'm not sure if he's incapable of understanding how painful that is, or if he just doesn't care.
@PestoPasta8973
I understand that you're going through there.
If you say with sincerity that this action of shutting down hurts you and it yet continues..... incapable of understanding or just doesn't care... does it really matter which? You can't change them but you have choices to make.
Valid point. Sadly, I see him at work everyday. If it weren't for that, I would have cut him out of my life completely a long time ago.
@globalBraid3744
I feel like 'sorry' is kind of misused a lot? For me and I know so many, definitely uneccessary guilt, too high levels of guilt etc. but I also guess like what Sun said, thrown about, it just isn't sincere. Saying sorry and doing the same thing again... put it in another scenario, would you really slap someone in the face, apologise, but do it again?
Hehe I feel I'm grumbling 🫢
Remorse, responsibility, and restitution.
When all three are freely offered, that is a sincere apology. It shouldn't take explaining, demanding or reminding. Anything less is not sincere. A true apology requires thought from the person apologizing. Restitution isn't always possible but they should make more than a token effort. Part of that is not repeating the same thing again.
Same goes for granting forgiveness. If it's forgiven, let it go. Continually beating the same tired horse isn't forgiveness.
Again, it all comes down to character. Why allow people that aren't capable of a sincere apology or forgiving a transgression to keep power in our lives? What does this say about their character and our own?