Can People Really Change? A Couples' Therapist Debunks A Big Relationship Myth (Part 2)

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The 3 ingredients for positive change.

Rather than asking if people can change, a better question is: Under what conditions do people change?

1. The power of an inspiring vision

Many people hold inside of themselves a heartfelt longing for an ideal relationship with a life partner. For many of us, it is one of our most precious dreams.

In my work with couples, I often hear the story of giving up on the dream. They have encountered the difficulties of being in a relationship and the noticeable gap between what they are experiencing and what they had hoped for. They look around at others' relationships. (How many people do you know that have the relationship you would most like to have?) They give up on their dreams and try to be "realistic."

But without the inspiration of the vision, the hard work of a relationship is too hard to sustain without exhaustion and resentment. You simply can do it by aiming for something merely acceptable, something far less than what you really want. In order to do all of the hard work and hanging in there, we need more than perspiration. We need inspiration.

2. Change, acceptance, and learning

The relationship you want is not something you acquire by choosing the right partner, scheduling a caterer, or putting a ring on your beloved's finger. The secret to a great relationship is to simultaneously hold the inspiration of the vision, compassionate acceptance of your current difficulties, and a commitment to learning together.

One of the most powerful things couples can do is to participate well in each other's changes, to become learning partners.

3. The power of decisions and commitment

The role of decisions in relationship improvement is often overlooked. The first step is deciding. Or as Peter Block, a consultant to organizations, titled his book about taking action on things that matter, The Answer to How Is Yes.

With a decision and commitment to change, we engage in a kind of dialogue with life where we assume that there is a way forward. We find new paths that we did not know about, and could not know about, prior to deciding.

Commitment means we close the option of turning around, giving up. The big commitment to a person and a relationship becomes a series of smaller decisions we will make to learn and grow together.

So, can people change? Yes.

Source: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/can-people-change-in-relationships

According to your experience, when can people actually change?

#Love #Change #Personality