Healthline: ‘Tend and Befriend’ — The Overlooked Trauma Response

“Fighting and fleeing (or freezing, for that matter) have some pretty clear benefits, especially in the context of evolution. If you vanquish a threat or successfully escape from it, you survive to face another day.

Of course, breaking free alone could separate you from the rest of your group. This doesn’t just cost you the advantage of safety in numbers and cut you off from physical and emotional support. It also puts vulnerable members — young children, older adults, and sick people — at greater risk of danger.

Humans have a strong instinct for self-preservation. But for many mammal parents, particularly the human variety, a desire to ensure the safety of their children can outweigh the urge to save themselves first.

The tend-and-befriend response appears to have its roots in this instinctual need to protect children and affiliate with others for greater safety. That said, you can easily apply it to everyday life, whether you have children or not.

Just think of a time you tried to handle a problem on your own, and then compare it to a time when you turned to your loved ones for help or a time when you reached out to offer assistance to someone navigating a crisis.

Why is tend and befriend such a new concept?

Taylor published the first paper on the tend-and-befriend response in 2000. To contrast, Walter Bradford Cannon first introduced the idea of a fight-or-flight stress response in 1915. Wondering why it took so long for researchers to recognize this alternate response to stress?

Much of the existing research on stress responses only includes men. Most scientific research before the 1990s excluded women from clinical trials, and a few decades isn’t that long, in terms of psychology.

Consequently, research has only just started to explore the possible ways stress responses might vary by sex.

Taylor’s team mainly observed tending and befriending behavior in women. They presented this response as an overwhelmingly (though not exclusively) female reaction to stress. They suggested that previous researchers hadn’t identified the response because they’d barely considered female reactionTending and befriending doesn’t come naturally to everyone, but you can still learn to embrace this response when you think it might have benefit.

One important step? Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It’s OK if you can’t handle everything on your own.

If you feel self-conscious when you need support, you can always try offering something in exchange. Here’s an example:

“Any chance you could come over and help me entertain the kids tonight? I’m having a hard time getting out of bed. I’ll take yours for a night next week, once I’m feeling better.”

Asking others what they need can go a long way, too. They might find it just as difficult to ask for help, so offering your assistance — or simply letting them know you’re available — can help you forge a connection that benefits you both.

During moments of difficulty and distress, you might find yourself turning to loved ones or cultivating new connections with people facing the same challenging circumstances. At the heart of the tend-and-befriend response lies a sense of safety and hope. Things might feel pretty awful at the moment, sure.

Yet drawing on the strength of supportive loved ones, and offering your own physical and emotional support where possible, can help you better navigate turmoil and pain.

Full article is here!

What do you think about tend-and-befriend? What are some ways we can practice this new form of dealing with stress?

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