Psychology Today: 6 Keys to Lifelong Friendship

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"The six keys, according to Julie Beck, are accumulation, attention, intention, ritual, imagination, and grace.

1. Spending time together (accumulation)

Might be the simplest and most obvious force that forms and sustains friendships. Research shows that the size of one’s friendship network is not its most important element in sustaining well-being. Rather, the quality of close relationships within the network is key. Having at least one confidant who is trustworthy, supportive, accepting, and fun to be with is crucial. Research participants emphasized the importance of demonstrating interest and caring by remembering and inquiring about important people and events in the friend’s life, remembering the friend’s birthday, applauding grandchildren’s accomplishments.

2. Paying attention to opportunities to develop friendships (attention)

Connection can come from anywhere, at any time, if both parties are open to it. Notice when you click with someone, being open to chance encounters.

Beck does not default to standard friend-making tips such as “go to a meetup” or “volunteer.” She’s telling us that there are far more opportunities than we ever imagined as we go about our everyday lives if we are attuned to the possibilities.

3. Acting on those opportunities (intention)

When opportunity arises, you have to put yourself out there. Successful friendships depend on reciprocity. If one person is doing all the relational work—making overtures, following up, arranging activities, etc., eventually that person might tire of the lopsidedness and let the friendship drift away. Also, research shows that if self-disclosure is not reciprocal, a sense of trust is jeopardized.

4. Having a regularly scheduled meeting or ritual (ritual)

It takes effort to stay in touch with friends. Someone has to initiate or plan outings. Beck suggests getting something on the books, like a weekly dinner or a monthly book club meeting, so that it is a regularly scheduled event.

5. Prioritizing friendship and your friends (imagination)

Beck encourages us to imagine something different from the standard script in which a romantic partner is the main person with whom we share our lives. She suggests that we consider possibilities such as raising kids with friends, buying a house with a friend, going to therapy with a friend, or donating a kidney to a friend. Participants in one study who embraced friendship with those who differed from themselves (e.g., being friends with someone several or more decades younger) were exhibiting the imagination that let them move beyond the typical kinds of friendships, which they also had.

6. Forgiving yourself and your friend for not being the perfect friend (Grace)

The “grace” factor, what friends offer themselves and each other when they do not live up to the other five keys to lifelong friendship.Tolerance and non-judgmental acceptance of others comes into play in sustaining friendships. This is not to say that participants in a study didn’t have friends who became less close than before or drifted away for various reasons. And a few participants described ending friendships on purpose because the other person violated a friendship/relationship norm. But mostly they seemed to give each other some grace.”

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#Relationships #Friendships #SocialLife

💬 Is there any factor that you would add to the list? What true friendship means to you?