The One Thing That Turns Good Friends Into Great Friends, From A Psychologist

"According to “risk regulation theory” developed by Sandra Murray, a professor of psychology at the University of Buffalo, “confidence in a partner’s positive regard and caring allows people to risk seeking dependence and connectedness.”

In other words, to invest in a relationship, we need proof we won’t be rejected when doing so. Similarly, if we want people to invest in us, we need to make them feel safe to. And we grant this security when we show affection. We impart that we love, value, and accept someone, so they can feel safe to take the risks of intimacy with us.

Affection makes our friends secure.

To make and keep friends, risk regulation theory suggests that we don’t just need to be more secure. We need to make others secure. We need to become attachment sanctuaries, terrains of safety, and we can do this through showing affection. Making others feel secure is not just a selfless act for our friends’ benefit; it’s in our best interest. Secure people, we’ve learned, are better friends—they are more vulnerable and authentic and take more initiative. When we make our friends know they are loved and accepted, they let their guard down and melt into a secure pro-relationship mode. They feel comfortable initiating with us, checking in with us, affirming us, being vulnerable with us. They are invested in us. We bring out the best in them, and they bring out the best in us, in an upward spiral that brings out the best in friendship.

How to show affection to friends.

Risk regulation theory showed us that making friends is about making people feel safe, whether that means giving them more affection or learning how to better receive theirs. It also implicates us in the success of our friendships. Often, when our friendships are shallow, we blame our friends. “They’re not my people,” we might tell ourselves. That may be true. Sometimes people just don’t get along, but risk regulation theory suggests that if we want better friendships, it’s useful to turn the microscope back on ourselves, to assess “Do I make people feel safe? Do I show them I love and value them? Do I convey that they matter?”

Here is a list of ways to show affection to a friend:

Tell them how much they mean to you.

When they reach out, tell them how happy you are to hear from them.

Be excited at their good news.

Compliment them.

Praise their hard work.

Greet them warmly.

Let them know when they share something that’s meaningful to you."

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✨Takeaway: In other words, we necessitate assurance that if we invest in a connection, we won't be turned down. Similar to this, we must make individuals feel secure if we want them to invest in us. And when we express affection, we give this security.

✨Reflection: How can you show your friends affection?

#Friendship #Relationships #Appreciation #Assurance