What Does It Take to Restore a Broken Relationship?

The publication of Prince Harry’s memoir and interviews pertaining to its revelations are igniting worldwide discussions about how and whether broken relationships can be repaired. Will Harry ever be accepted by the royal family and, by the same token, will he want to be? It sounds as if the family will never come back together, but might they somehow overcome their years of hurt feelings if not physical estrangement?

Rumination and Co-rumination in the Light of a Transgression

According to a new study by Flinders University’s (Australia) Michael Wenzel and colleagues (2022), thinking about your own wrongdoings, or what they refer to as “intrapersonal rumination,” can serve a productive function in helping you come to grips with your actions and even begin to forgive yourself. Most of the theorizing about rumination points to its deleterious effects on mental health, as can happen in clinical depression when people can’t stop thinking about their flaws.

In co-rumination, as the authors go on to note, two people involved in the same transgression engage in a “shared and interactive” discussion, “dwelling on the wrong,” when you share “thoughts, emotions, and motivations in a dialogue.” The “moral repair” that can follow from this results from an intertwining of reactions to the transgression as both parties go through a “bipartisan” process of rethinking the behavior in question.

Testing Co-rumination in Relationship Transgressions

To investigate co-rumination as a reparative process, Wenzel et al. recruited a sample of 110 university student dyads in a prospective manner, meaning before any transgression had occurred. After one partner reported the transgression of the other, a brief survey was sent immediately to both followed, in turn, by a third and fourth survey, separated by a day or two.

The nature of the transgressions included such acts as a violation of trust, an indiscretion, physical harm, psychological hurt, and similar relationship violations. The surveys following the report of a transgression assessed co-reflection (talking to each other to try to see each other’s perspective), co-brooding (repeating the same accusations over and over), individual rumination (rethinking the incident), forgiveness, self-punitiveness (punishing oneself for the offense), and self-forgiveness. Each partner also rated the seriousness of the offense.

Moral Repair: A Mutual Process

The bottom line from this innovative study is that forgiveness is a two-way street. When people are involved in a committed relationship that they wish to preserve, it seems that true repair can only occur when there is a chance for co-reflection.

Some of the suggested methods to promote co-reflection, as Wenzel et al. note, can include listening more than talking; mutual perspective-taking; showing empathy, respect, and humility; and, finally, reaffirming shared values. At an emotional level, participants can share their feelings and engage in social support, both of which can help lower everyone’s stress levels.

To sum up, relationship rifts create considerable pain that can last for years, if not lifetimes. Willingness to engage in the repair process by reducing those rifts can help turn the pain into fulfillment.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-at-any-age/202301/what-does-it-take-to-restore-a-broken-relationship

Have you ever found your relationship in a "dead end"? How did you manage it?

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