Why You Keep Having the Same Argument With Your Partner
"Repeat arguments can become significant issues for couples. They can increase relationship stress and deplete a relationship's mutually shared satisfaction, trust, and safety—which partners need to remain committed and close to each other.
What should you do if the arguments you have with your partner feel like broken records? Here are four reasons why spats repeat—and how to stop the cycle.
1. The issue was never fully resolved.
If an argument keeps cropping up, chances are you and your partner either haven’t found a solution to the problem at the argument’s root or you’ve come up with a solution but one or both of you is struggling to implement the changes that solution requires. You may have to sit down together and map out what a mutually agreeable solution looks like. Or you may both have to exercise patience as each of you learns to fully execute new behaviors.
Talk with your partner about their thoughts and feelings related to any previously agreed upon solutions and where they might need support from you to realize them. Support can be as simple as acknowledging and rewarding your partner’s efforts to change. (“Thank you so much for cleaning the kitchen before I got home. It made my day much less stressful!” or “I feel so much more connected with you and you make me laugh so much more when you put away your phone at dinner.”)
If the repeated argument is about one partner’s substance abuse, workaholism, secrecy, or other destructive behavior, consider reaching out to a mental health professional for added support, or joining a support group or self-empowerment program (like 12 Step and SMART Recovery meetings).
2. The argument reflects a deeper issue.
Sometimes an argument’s repetition reflects a tension or concern shared by one or both partners that runs deeper than the surface-level issue at hand. It’s not just that Partner A never does the laundry, say; it’s that Partner B feels they can’t trust Partner A to adequately support them. This deeper issue may need to be addressed before any progress in resolving recurring arguments is made.
3. Your expectations may need adjusting.
Especially if you’ve encountered the same issue again and again across multiple partners throughout your dating history, a repeat argument could indicate that your expectations (about everything from how and when to do the dishes to being the center of your partner’s world or the person for whom they drop everything) may require adjustment.
If you’re repeatedly disappointed by your partner(s), try writing down and discussing with people you trust what your expectations are from your mate around recurring issues. Ask these trusted others if they feel your expectations are reasonable. Importantly, speak with your partner about your expectations and whether s/he feels able to meet them.
4. You’re drawn to partners who activate your insecurities.
It’s not unusual for us to be drawn to people whose personalities and attachment styles echo those of our earliest caregiving and love relationships. This can recreate relationship dynamics that feel all too familiar.
If we had healthy attachment and relationship dynamics growing up, this doesn’t usually cause us immense suffering. But if our earliest love relationships entailed abandonment, disorganization and chaos, unpredictability, suffocation, abuse, or neglect, we may be drawn to partners who display these qualities and behaviors—not because we like the way they feel but because we want to be loved and we’ve learned to associate such experiences with love.
To assess whether there’s a deeper issue at play, ask yourself what feelings, fears, and worries an argument is bringing up, what you imagine the worst outcome is, and whether you’ve ever felt this way before. Then, ask the same of your partner. This can help both of you develop insight into whether recurring disagreements reflect something beneath the disagreement’s face value—or not. By communicating honestly with our partners—or with a therapist—we can fact-check our assumptions and consider what evidence supports or challenges our interpretations of argument-eliciting events."
Read the complete article available at Psychology Today!
Reflection:
What are your thoughts on this article?
#Relationships #Communication #Arguments
@comfortableNight4463
what are MY thoughts on this article............
it was written by someone who has not been in long term relationships....... when you argue about items and even use affirmations about "thank you for ......." and it still continues it is not about more Talking.
most does not work NOT because they are learning new habits or haven't fully adapted to the program .....NOPE they DO it .........because they never felt it NEEDED to change at all..... or they do it out of spite.
being supportive and passive hoping for change is insane...........
life is short why do people subject themselves to a awful situation for ......." it has been this long"..... "we have a history"..... "it used to be OK" ..... etc. people grow and change and what someone might have seen as tolerable is NO LONGER acceptable and people do not think that needs to change because they Do NOT accept that their partner has changed.
the ONLY thing in article i do see is IF it is a continued problem IT may be you and MOST do not see themselves only the other person as the issue.
If you want a roommate or friends with benefits fine........... but do not think some pop psychology article will fix a long term relationship gone bad.
