Compassion Discussion (September 2nd 2015)
Discussion title: Compassion
Time: 1pm EST September 2nd - Compassion corner
Leader: @Anushka1
Participants: @PhoenixBrotherhood @SelenoPsych21 @gunnerz @TryingForPeace @GayatriRajapatni @ gregariousCoconut3288 @Hockeyfan76 @NataliaNectarine @SJ1995 @Tomislav @goldenHuman1101 @courteousCircle9596 @TheWorm @affectionateBeechwood3335 @TellMeAboutYourself @ blueOwl1413 @VoinaImir @JollyRancher1012 @LittleMissie @lovelyOcean15 @Apricot91 @AvaMay15 @diligentBanana5736 @beautifulblade @ purpleFig1807 @LMessi10
Icebreaker question: What do you think is the most compassionate act someone can do?
- Love unconditionally --> To accept others for who they are regardless of all the bad stuff theyve done
- Listen
- Give a tight hug
- Want nothing but good things for them
- Making people laugh
- Looking you in the eye and saying: "I understand."
- Sacrifice --> which puts oneself in a worse position so that someone else is in a better one
What does the word compassion mean?
- Feeling together --> Treating all people like people, remembering that we are all connected together.
- Understanding, put yourself in other's shoes, being on the same wavelength as them emotionally.
- Concern, caring for someone and their issues, really feeling for them. Dont have to understand or solve problems, just know that we can lean on them.
- Have a strong desire to help, and act on it as well (Regardless of whether they deserve it or not)
Is compassion and empathy related?
- Compassion cannot exist without empathy, but you can be empathetic without being compassionate.
- Compassion without empathy is like donation, you feel the pity and sympathy without understanding what it is. And it makes you want to give something to make it better. On the flip side empathy without compassion can be found in people who are great at analysing things, they know what its like, but they dont care.
- Well if a man donates on the street to someone homeless. He might not have been homeless before but he feels pity and sympathy, so thats compassion without empathy.
Is compassion a staple to your everyday life?
Yes. Examples: 7 cups of tea, helping and donating to the homeless people, help someone who is upset, urge to help others when needed, always lending a shoulder to friends when needed
Why are we compassionate?
- Innate: Compassion is within everyone even if they don't know it, people just need a drive in life to show it out.
- Experience: people become compassionate to other because they have empathy/sympathy through their experience. amount of compassion you give in life + things you suffered in life = person you are. The most compassionate people are the ones who were hurt the most
- Blessing: Offering compassion is like a blessing, you don't always get the blessing back but life gives you compassion either way
- To feel completed as a person
- To feel closer towards others.
Do other people show compassion to you frequently in real life?
- No, not so much. WHY?
o Because I dont share too much details with others so people think that theres nothing wrong.
o difficult talking my problems to others
o I was just told to suck it up and move forward.
o have a hard time accepting compassion or allowing others to care for us
- Yes:
o bless to have amazing friends
o Some of the times I have felt the most compassion from others was from being a listener here.
o Reciprocal compassionate towards those special friends.
- I think we forget to receive or give ourselves compassion, which isn't complete. We can't just give and then not allow others to also give that compassion or to be kind to ourselves. Its hardest to forgive and be kind to ourselves. we still will have to forgive and learn from that and learn to be kind to ourselves, in order to move forward and heal. i find it hard to give myself compassion when i know i've done something that caused pain
What are different ways we can show compassion online (i.e., 7cups)?
- Empathetic response
- Give advice
- Being able to listen to them more than just once and remembering what they felt like and what you spoke about the first time you spoke
- Listen and understand their situation
- Just letting them know that you're there
- Pay attention to them
So on 7cups and otherwise, do you consider being compassionate to be a priority of yours when interacting others?
- Yes, its the number 1 thing here. Why?
o To lessen their pain by supporting them regarding their situation. Faces battles with them together so that they feel that theyre not alone.
o To build a bond and allow them to open more easily to you
o Makes it a beautiful place to come back again
o Listening from their stories and learn from it
Have you ever been in a situation where you are struggling to show compassion towards others?
- When you feel drained yourself
- When others is constantly feeling down and always having a recurrent problem or hitting a dead end. (With that, participants have noted that the below might be true for these people)
o Its hard to stop patterns
o Some problems arent solve-able
o Stuck in the same situation over and over again
o Dont realize that theyre stuck in a situation
- When others cant show or understand compassion themselves
- When tears are involved
- When the person have already given up on themselves. Who doesnt want to change or see wrong in their current situation
- When the person refuse to receive compassion as they may break down or not hold themselves together.
- When the other person is of opposite sex/gender due to boundaries
- When you havent been in their situation before. (however, someone stated that we could still try to practice compassion by placing ourselves in their position because we've all experienced pain before).
There are some participants who doesn't have a problem giving compassion. One even feels like they cant help others but compassion drives them forward.
Side question: do men do compassion differently to women?
- Misconception that women are more compassionate than men
- Men try to solve the problem, while women go alongside them and analyze the problem.
What can we do to ensure we remain compassionate towards others?
- Self care: Love has to grow from inward out.
- Setting and keeping boundaries so we dont over extend compassion
- Always try to put yourself in the persons shoes and understand the person
Do you practise self-compassion?
- Yes
o When I do good I always try to tell myself "good job, be proud of yourself"; and when I do crap, I try to turn it to positive "So you made a mistake, move on and learn from it"
- No
o Can deal with compassion to others all day long but totally unable to give self compassion
o Its the hardest. We are usually more critical of ourselves.
o I feel like if others were in my situation, I'd be able to be compassionate more, as compared to how I'd be to myself
o Self compassion is like dream within a dream
o Usually one practice self compassion at the end of the day, looking back on it but were usually too tired and weak mentally to do so then
o Amount of compassion you give + stuff you been through =amount of self compassion given. The more you give and more youve been through, harder to give to thyself...
Solutions (as proposed by leader and participants)
- Trying to practice self-compassion is the key. Its something thats worth a try. Its okay to fail. Just remember to try again in the future.
- self-compassion.org/
- Sometimes you can be self critical and self compassionate. You point out your flaws and say its fine to be like this right now, and then work out a way to get better.
Do you think it would be beneficial to practise self-compassion?
- Yes because self compassion is linked to our outlook on things in general though like the whole idea of turning the negatives into positives.
- I think the issue with self compassion is that no one has really told us to do it. Everyone tells us to be kind to others, to look outside, to get out more, put ourselves out there etc, rarely has anyone dared us to look inwards. So everytime we are lost and look for answers, we look out, we run and search aimlessly to find something we already possess deep inside ourselves.
Solution: increase awareness about it. Remind people to be kind to themselves. o
Do you think practicing self compassion would make you more compassionate towards others? Or vice versa
- Yes: If youre in a good place with yourself, you can give more to others
- I think that when I'm compassionate towards other, it makes me feel better about myself
Quotations from the discussion
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.
If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
Dalai Lama
