Permanent Waves

Trigger warnings for Existential Dread and also Hope, which can both be terrifying.

This is a sort of cosmic horror, but not really with any ancient horrors that we don't already know about. i imagine it as a sort of last message, a last voice to text from one friend to another about the great beyond.

This is early stages, so all comments are welcome!

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D, can you hear me? can you still hear me? machine...i think i'm being heard. Ha! i _think_ i am. what a thing to say. Say…

D i know we have said our goodbyes; i wasn't long for this world then and i am barely in it now. This is IMPORTANT, D. important to everyone. I'm not sure i ever fully explained my interest in spirituality and in meditation in particular. I spent a childhood in fear of everything and i was on my way to being a man afraid of everything. you might laugh to hear me say it, i know. "the most serene person i've ever met" you once called me. serene on the surface, but beneath a maelstrom you only ever caught glimpses of, i think. I had to work hard to become that.

i stumbled across buddhist meditation in my youth, and it seemed to me here was a tool i had been lacking. here was a framework i could build in my mind to harness the wind instead of being blown about by it. I’ve studied many different paths since then, including physics and neuroscience. I did this as a way of understanding and controlling myself, and in doing that I brought myself real peace.

I thought my last moment of practice would be a kind of letting go of cohesion, of feeling my consciousness diffuse into the universe. But what I found as that last moment approached was anything but.

Imagine the room around you, the room you sit in slowly resolving into an entire landscape. A brand new world where there should be void. A world that unfolds as you ******see it, watch it observe perceive**** imagine finding that the air is alive. Imagine that living air moving into your lungs and becoming part of you, and part of you leaving with it and imagine finding that what you thought was you was suddenly air, too. Or..or always was. Or is it light?

There is something different – a radiance. A radiance from everything I can…feel. Maybe feel like a jellyfish feels the water. D, I’m not sure I’m not a jellyfish. No, this isn’t water, this is radiance. But D, how different this radiance is from that. A static radiance, stationary but never still, a landscape with no solid surface. And then something more…dynamic. Dynamic. dynamic.dynamic.D dynamic radiant forms that seem not to move, but also to not be fixed. There are patterns here. There is meaning.

Dissolution became an integration and there is so much, D. D the tools! You must craft the tools!

There are resonances I feel pulled towards.

This first! D you must have the tools to build your mind! There are other resonances that I feel fleeting and fading in fear. Fleeting fleeting. They erupt into this space, but they have no form no frame no fixture. They drain away, D. I can feel them come into existence to feel the radiance, and dissolve away into it. Fade and dissolve and fade and end. End fade end fade end fade. Like I wanted.

But D, they don’t understand! they weren’t prepared, they just end not knowing.

Don’t drain away! Build your mind! And furnish it well. I can still use my mind, but the fields draw me. I can almost see myself…I can see myself. Both. I was so small. I didn’t know I was so small. TOOLS! HOME! BUILD YOUR MIND! D, when your mind is free from your body, the mind you made is what you are. I built a careful, introspective, analytical mind. A mind that will continue to follow my thought patterns whether I am there to think them or not. We make ourselves, D. our eternal selves!

I feel resonances passing through me, changing my radiance in response. Some feels like building creating helping joining harmony. Some feels cold. Some resonances glow fiercely flame and fierce of flame they burn bright but jagged. Worse than dissonance. Dissonance dissss a scratch a thrill through this this dissonance. Fear and anger gnawing at itself. Not sharp but raw and wretched. Don’t build that wave don’t play that chord. The root of that cord is grievance. Build on care and dissonance makes the chord richer. Tune your mind to ….blah blah blah waffle waffle waffle. I’m loopy, loopy looping! There are loops!

There are minds trapped in loops I can feel them reaching out to the parts of me that resonate and try to pull me into their loops. You need to have a strong sense of what you are and what you are not, I can feel the temptation to be pulled this way and that, but I know my shape. My thought holds my shape. I am my thoughts. I am my shape.

I am my shape.

I am my shape.

I am my shape.