15 Years of Marriage and Strongly Considering a Divorce

Go easy on me - something I would've NEVER dreamt I would ever post to a public space...

My partner and I have been married almost 15 years, together for 17 years. We have had our highs and lows through the years, what marriage doesn't? It's good for a few years, then gradually wanes and builds back to "a little more than okay in the happiness department." However, the last 2 years, life has really changed & I am not in a happy place in general. I can't pinpoint the causes, sometimes it feels like I am being totally selfish, other times it feels like there is every reason in the world to leave and seek happiness.

It's certainly a two sided street, I am not always innocent - totally admit that! There are intimate issues on my partners side (which have gone ignored for many years, despite my gentle asking for my partner to see a doctor and discuss issues). I like to go out and have a good time with my friends, drinks are usually involved and over the last year, I have found myself reverting back to my early years and flirting (never have followed through with anything more than flirting - but certainly considered it a time or two) with others. This creates a lot of tension and it has definitely increased in the recent years with the lack of intimacy at home, and 6 months ago I asked my partner what thoughts they had about considering an open marriage. As you imagine, I have been under the microscope since and constantly under pressure and just mentally exhausted talking about "how our marriage is going and how we can fix it."

I am just not the person I used to be in our early marriage, I was okay with being comfortable and mostly happy, and had no desire to flirt with others. If there is a "mid-life crisis" that really occurs, I am certainly sure I am in the depths of it's grips (Touché). I find myself missing who I was prior to marriage, when I could just do what I wanted and go where I pleased and had more freedom to have fun with friends and experience travel and different things in life and seek out what it truly means to be happy with myself.

Complicating the internal struggle, is our children, the love of our lives (independently or together - they are the world to each of us), it feels like that is the only thing at times that keeps me from packing up and leaving it behind.

We are both starting individual counseling (this week) and have been doing couple therapy, for about a month. I am just not feeling any changes or differently yet, an getting more restless and uneasy.

I am struggling with the fact, that I do Love my partner - just not romantically anymore, more like a "best friend." I couldn't ask for a better partner in raising our children and a model parental figure, but it just doesn't seem to be the love like it used to. Just struggling with the thoughts, on one hand I can tolerate this, but on the other - do I want to live with being just "okay" in life?

Looking for relatable experiences others have had, and what path did you choose? Being okay and semi-comfortable, or seeking out happiness and internal peace?