18 Months later - Still feel lost

So, I guess this is the hard part. I guess I should start from the beginning on this.

Back in 2016 I met this guy through online dating (I won't name places but there are plenty of reputable sites out there). We clicked straight away, I was charmed by our mutual interests in martial arts & Pokémon. When we met for our 1st date a week later we transferred that online chemistry to real life and had a really great time in each other's company. Within 2 weeks we'd had 5 dates. Things were going well for a few months and then something happened to challenge us. I collapsed at work during a shift (I used to work in security). That one event then triggered a domino like sequence of events - I had to take a different role at work temporarily, I had to take 3 months sick leave and basically find a new job.

Through all of that, my ex also had challenges, he confided in me about his mental wellbeing and things he'd been through in the past. His mum had a health issue that seemed to be getting progressively worse. Through our separate struggles, we always supported and talked to each other.

Somewhere along the way that all changed. Once I found a new job, which at first, he was happy for me, he started to question my rationale for the choice I made (I turned down a graduate scheme which had no guaranteed job at the end of 3 months unpaid training for a security role in local government). Alongside that he also began undermining my feelings about other things, at the time it didn't feel that way but as I reflect on it now that's what seemed to be happening.

Eventually one evening when we were together, he finally opened up about things that had been going on with his Mum and his own health (he had been taken off antidepressants months earlier but hadn't talked about it). We had a falling out but seemingly made up the following morning. The next week after I had started my new job, he dropped the bombshell that he didn't see a future for us (that's the short version). And a bombshell is what it felt like because it totally threw me off kilter. I had just left a working environment I had known for 5 years, we had been discussing some plans for months down the line and then there was nothing.

It's 18 months later and the worst part is that it still hurts. It sent my life into a total tailspin - I quit my new job and ended up taking something just to pay the bills. I then moved back home thinking I could find a fresh start, but I think it's the biggest mistake I've made.

I feel like the whole experience, while it left me feeling broken and piecing my life back together for a while, has ultimately robbed me of a piece of myself. While I was with my ex, I had renewed confidence, I was more outgoing and looked forward to more things and trying new things. Now I worry that I'm retreating more into myself and that I've lost the confidence that I found when I was with him. And I've been feeling like this ever since I moved home, and I just haven't been able to talk to anyone. I tried to open up to my Mum, but she wouldn't let me complete my thoughts without the usual motherly platitudes such as "there's plenty more fish" and "there's nothing wrong with you". I can't tell my Father because he has never been a saint when it comes to relationships so advice from him would be terrible and my best friend has plenty on his own plate and I try to enjoy the times we meet up without dredging up old wounds.

I also feel that my ability to connect with others isn't the same. I feel less empathy for others, I don't feel I can trust other people for fear of being hurt and lied too. And I've had a couple of dates in the last 18 months but mostly whenever I get to the stage of arranging a date, I then find an excuse to not go through with it.

I guess I feel I lost more than a partner and someone I trusted, I lost part of myself and I'm not sure I can find that person that I was back then or that I was before meeting my ex. I guess I just feel lost in a fog and feel that life is drastically off course and Im far and away from being where I want to be.