18 years of marriage and I think I want to leave…

So let me start by saying this will be long because I want to give context and be completely honest since this is a huge decision so just in case you don’t have the time to get involved…

My husband and I have been together 19 1/2 years and will be married 18 years mid August. We’ve had what we both would say is an amazing marriage aside from 2 distinct events. A decade ago we had moved from Wisconsin to Pennsylvania. We are both born and raised in PA, but when we had kids, I stopped working and became a stay at home and we both agreed to make his career our priority. So he started working in the warehouse at a company even though he had his bachelor’s degree and he has worked his way up from there and has made strategic moves over the past two decades to get to a six figure income. That requires many sacrifices on both our parts. So we had moved out to Wisconsin for his career, and lived out there for a few years, but made the decision to move back to PA to be closer to family. We did so without him finding employment first, so we stayed with my parents for a short time while he found employment. He did so in Maryland and for the first few weeks he worked at his new job in Maryland, he stayed at a hotel alone while myself and our two kids stayed with my parents in PA until we found a house in Maryland. We found a house and his behavior towards me changed (he treated me indifferently for about 2 years). Then he finally came clean that while he was staying in the hotel he had searched on Craigslist for another man to have sex with, that man came to the hotel and he and my husband had sex. Now I knew before I married my husband that he was bi and had been with men before he knew me and I had fully accepted him for who he was. But obviously he had cheated on me and not told me about it for two years and treated me crappy for those two years on top of that. Looking back, I am not sure how I did it, but I handled that news in the span of an hour, returned home to our kids as if nothing had happened and worked through it on my own. Nothing changed, my husband never slept on the couch, we never fought, our kids never knew anything was wrong. I forgave him and moved on. And in truth, I really did.

We lived in Maryland for 4 years, but between his job and the kids school, we both we feeling like time was moving too fast and we weren’t spending enough quality time together as a family. So one day my husband nonchalantly suggested we sell everything, he quit his job, we homeschool the kids and we buy a truck and rv and travel the country together. I wholeheartedly agreed and within 6 months we did just that. We didn’t exactly have a plan for income other than to live off his 401k, but we knew that would last us quite a long time and the experiences we would have as a family would be well worth it. We traveled for 3 years until Covid hit and then we were stationary for a year during Covid. During that time I enrolled our kids in horseback riding lessons to keep them busy and our daughter loved it so much she asked if we could buy enough land to have horses of our own and also she wanted to be able to be near the friends she had made. So a little over a year ago we bought a house with 40 acres and bought horses, pigs and chickens. So we live in New Mexico now. And we all love it here.

Now aside from that transgression a decade ago, I have to say that my husband is probably every woman’s dream husband, at least to a point. He is loving, caring and thoughtful. He is good to me and is literally my best friend. He is absolutely my soul mate, there is no doubt about that. He takes care of me and provides for me and our kids. We do not fight at all. We rarely disagree on anything. And if we do, we simply have a discussion about it. He works from home, on the couch in the living room, so he’s always around. I have many medical issues and he is understanding and accommodating of them. He doesn’t make me feel like less of a person because I can’t do everything I should be doing for the household either. He compliments me, massages my feet, isn’t pushy about sex. He takes care of the dishes and cleans the bathroom. I could go on and on. My point is that he is a good husband and father. That being said, he has his flaws. He is very needy. He is not confident at all. He is a mediocre lover. He does not know what to do with his hands or his mouth and he wants to cum immediately, so he has to keep stopping. He wants to be with me 24/7 or know my whereabouts 24/7. Since I don’t work outside the home, that basically means, I am allowed to leave the house to go to the store, medical appointments, etc. He is a homebody. We live in the middle of nowhere. We are 16 miles outside of a small town. Our nearest neighbor is easily a 1/2 mile away. We live on dirt roads and are secluded. In the early years of our marriage, we took regular date nights, but over the years we stopped. A few months ago, we took a date night and went to a local “bar” (beer & wine only). I must also add that I was recently diagnosed with Celiac disease and went on a gluten free diet and as a result, I have been eating much healthier. I have lost 67 lbs. so I have been feeling much sexier and different overall as I now weigh less than I did when I was a senior in high school. That night we went out we met a group of people. One of those people, a man, couldn’t take his eyes off me all night. I admit, I found him sexy as hell and also found myself drawn to him. Now in the 18 years I’ve been married, I have NEVER found another person attractive. NEVER. I’ve only had eyes for my husband. Yet this man had me hot and bothered and wet. I also have to say that I take 8 different prescription medications daily. A sad side effect of 7 of them is low libido. I can’t remember the last time I was hot and bothered [removed] without the assistance of my mini vibrator [removed] (sorry if that’s tmi). Yet this man easily excited me just by looking at me. I found myself touching him as I spoke to him. I flirted with him. And by the end of the night we exchanged numbers. And by the time I made it home, I was texting him! I told him we were swingers. Which wasn’t entirely a lie. A decade earlier when my husband had cheated, I originally felt like I needed to see him with another man to understand and that I needed to be with another man to feel “even” so to speak. So we joined a swingers website and went to a couple swinger’s clubs, but we never actually acted on it. That being said we did meet up with a couple recently and have sex with them in the same room. I thought watching my husband fuck another woman would either turn me on or make me jealous, but I felt absolutely nothing. It didn’t bother me one bit nor did it excite me. My husband on the other hand was extremely jealous even though the guy had ED and barely was able to penetrate me for a moment let alone fuck me. So anyway, it turned out this guy is also bi and was interested in being with us. Conversations later and we ended up going to an out of town bar, rented a hotel room, he and I gave my husband [removed], which caused him to [removed]. Well it takes him at least an hour to get hard again so the guy asked my husband if he could [removed] and my husband said yes and he proceeded to do so and I started to moan. Well it was dark so we didn’t realize that my husband had gotten dressed until he turned on the light and said “I can’t take this anymore, I’m leaving”. Which of course cause the guy to immediately stop, get dressed and leave and go home. So after that the guy was pissed for awhile and my husband basically wanted me to stop talking to the guy. I was pissed because I didn’t get to fuck the guy like I wanted to. So at first I was honest with my husband hoping that he would try again, but he said he has no desire to be fucked by a guy ever again, so that was the end of that and as long as I told my husband that I wanted to fuck the other guy, he wouldn’t let me be friend’s with him, so eventually I told him that I no longer wanted to fuck the other guy, I just wanted to be friends with him, so he let me start talking to him again and eventually let me meet up with him at a bar to hang out. Now I knew the whole time that it would lead to me fucking the other guy, and I pursued it anyway because I was so drawn to him. The first time we met, we had a drink at one bar, we got into his car to go to another bar and on the way to that bar, I gave him road head, then after we left that bar to go back to my truck, I gave him road head on the way back as well. The second time, my husband was in NY on a business trip and I drove the other guy to a Dr. appt. in another town, and after I dropped him off at home, I texted him that I wanted to fuck him so bad so I picked him up later that evening, let him drive my truck to a camping spot he usually goes to and we fucked in the back seat of my truck. After that I kind of lost it for a while. My husband and I go out now every Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights to the bar with the friends I’ve (we’ve) made on the last few months. We are also members of a “running group with a drinking problem”. It’s a group that meets every other Saturday to go hiking while drinking and then we have a gathering afterwards. Well at one of the gatherings my husband and I was in the hosts pool naked and having sex (I was blackout drunk) and my husband told me the next day that I said the other guys name while we were having sex. Then I did it again while cross faded at an after party while we were having sex. Then at another after party a female friend and a male friend of ours that are swingers were trying to get my husband and I to hook up with them and I was going to the bathroom and they kind of pushed me into the bathroom (not that I struggled) and put me on the toilet and the male friend started [removed] while the female friend [removed]. My husband heard my moans and pounded on the locked door and the female friend opened it and he saw the male friend[removed]. So that night I came clean about having sex with the guy while he was in NY on business. I also told my husband that I had been planning on leaving him. He never got mad. We talked it through, he said he’d support me either way. That he loved me and that he would work on forgiving me since I had forgiven him a decade earlier if I stayed. I stayed.

The other guy has been out of the picture, but I still find myself wanting to leave. I feel trapped and suffocated with my husband. We barely have anything to talk about anymore other than the kids, the house, my medical shit, despite going out every weekend. I am bored as hell! I feel like I’m dying on the inside. I don’t enjoy sex with him anymore. I feel like we’re just best friends with benefits. I told him I need more and his idea of me getting out of the house more is me getting a job. Bartending at the bar we go out to every weekend so he can still go there to be with me while I work! Suffocating!!!!! I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I love my husband, but I don’t think I love him in a romantic way anymore. I just don’t feel like it’s fair to either of us to continue like this. We’ve had honest discussions about this, but he just acts like everything’s fine. To add to it, I need double full knee replacements. I have an appointment with Ortho tomorrow to schedule my first surgery. My medical insurance is through my husband and it will cover the surgeries 100%. Yet another reason to feel trapped. I need the insurance and I need the support after surgery. I don’t work, nor have I for 16 years and when I did it was fast food, I don’t have a car. My daughter has already said she would want to come with me. I don’t have savings, hell we’re behind on some bills! I don’t know the first thing about how to leave or provide for our daughter or get my knees taken care of!!! Or if I should leave?!?! Am I being petty? Will I get out on my own and regret this? I’ve never even been on my own! I feel like I’m going crazy y’all!!! Is this just some sort of midlife crisis?!!!?

Edited July 21, 2022 by AffyAvo see guidelines on graphic language