5 years after, finally trying again, I need help!
So, it's been 5 years and I met a guy by accident, er was coerced to give him my #. We hit it off instantly and have been together 4 months now. This is the longest relationship ever since my ex husband and before my ex husband. I'm very independent and don't mind being alone.
This guy does just about anything I ask of him. He's never mean or jealous or anything. He's good to my kids and very patient.
My problem is.....I swear I'm having the same exact arguments with him as I did with my ex. When he does something that hurts my feelings, he's quick to counteract whatever I'm expressing. If I say, "when you did that, it made me feel like you don't care at all." Or "That felt like you only cared about yourself." He responds with, ""I DO care. Don't say that I dont." Or "I'm not selfish. I didn't do that to hurt you".
It's making me crazy! Instead of being genuinely concerned, I feel like he's just trying to defend himself. I'm just wondering if this is a guy thing, if I picked the same type of person again or if I'm doing something wrong???!!!
TMI but last night we had sex. He didn't even try to please me at all. He just did what he did and was done. I felt so used that I just started bawling and bawling. He just kept saying he didn't do anything to hurt me. I'm scared I'm making a big mistake again.....
@bluebutterfly10492 This is gonna sound kinda harsh, but I think you need to take a new approach. I do care how you feel, and I want things to get better for you, so take this as constructive criticism.
When you say, "that made me feel bad", that doesn't really let him know what to do to make you feel good. As far as the sex is concerned, some guys aren't good at it. If you only tell him "that didn't work for me", he doesn't know what he should be doing.
Think about what you want him to do, then tell him, calmly, what would make you feel better. If you're talking about listening, ask yourself, "when I say things like this, how do I want him to respond?" Same with sex, ask yourself, "what do I want him to do?". When you can tell him, calmly and patiently, what he should be doing, I bet the communication will improve.
@10ship
Thing is, I did tell him. He had a problem a few nights before where he couldn't get it to stay erect. It didn't bother me but I guess it really upset him. So the next time we got alone (last night) he hurried up and took care of himself. It made me feel AWFUL. When I told him exactly why I was crying he said he wanted to hurry up before he had a problem again.
@10ship
I hit post too quick.
So I told him how that just hurt so bad that he just skipped over me for the sake of himself. He just kept replying saying of it was true. And that he does care. We got nowhere. I felt like I was hitting my head off of a wall. We just stopped talking and he left.
@bluebutterfly10492 Hi again. I get that part. And I did read your other post before I posted my reply. I'm really sorry you've been hurt so bad in the past, but I'm trying to focus now on the future.
You told him why you were upset, but that still doesn't tell him what to do to make you feel better. I can't be too explicit here, because it makes the mods go into overdrive, but I'll try to explain what I mean. Did you say something like "OK, now that you're done, would you cuddle up next to me for a while". "would you touch me like this". "would you kiss me here".
We guys can't take hints. You have to be real clear about what you want him to do. It might be difficult for you to say what you're thinking, but you probably know what you wish he would do. He probably does care how you feel. He probably wants to please you. He will probably appreciate the instruction. If he was quick, he's probably nervous. Your calm, reassuring guidance will probably help him and you.
I know you've been through a lot, but I believe you can come back from all that you've been through. I hope you've found a good guy to share that journey. Good Luck.
@10ship
Thank you for trying to help me and pushing me forward. I appreciate it. I will try your suggestions in the future.
I guess it just hit a nerve with the past and I'm terrified of making another mistake is all.
@bluebutterfly10492
It is very possible that you picked a similiar person since we are usually attracted to a "type" until we work out some of the issues that attracts us to those certain types of people. Its also very possible that its your issues that are coming back up again, since we see similiar issues in our subsequent relationship until we work those out within ourselves. It sounds like your communication is healthier than most people which is good. I would encourage you to be as sepcific as possible when you are communicating your thoughts and feelings to your new partner and do so with kindness. Try to help him understand how he makes you feel when he does (somthing specific). So many problems are related to miscommunication, and then personality issues.