Alcoholic Ex.... can

Hi, I'm new here --

Ive had a relationship with an alcoholic for the past 3.5 years. Its been very toxic. But I cannot seem to get away from it. He relapsed Sunday and pretty much told me to get the fuck out of his life. Hes relapsed several times over the years, Ive called ambulances for him... hes lied constantly. I just cant seem to get away.

Weve broken up several times - all usually myself breaking up - and I always go back. So this is the first time hes left me, and I just feel this is my chance to move on for good. I know I cant keep living this cycle, but for some reason without him in my life I feel like I cant be happy - or Im alone. I tend to romanticize the good times - obviously alcoholics are all bad. I just cant deal with this alone anymore.

I can't help but sit here and want to reach out and make sure he's okay.... I know he's going through a hard time. I love and care for him very much. I guilt myself and blame myself for a lot of this. (Given he's blamed me for a lot - his relapsed/ making him miserable.) I know I shouldn't care... but here I am.

Its affecting my daily life... Im just a sobbing mess. SOS!