Anxiety post breakup
Hi. I am struggling terribly following a breakup. My ex and I had dated for 2 years, lived together, and were basically inseparable. He was my best friend. The last year we had started arguing more and more. In November he told me that he wanted to be done because of it. It has been a rollercoaster since then with him. Initially I found myself reaching out to him all the time trying to find closure as to how he could feel that way. He would respond but never gave me much of an answer. In January we met up to talk about things. He told me was struggling with his emotions and that he was in a really low place but he didn’t want to lose me from his life completely. We agreed to talk once a week and go from there. We met up a couple times for dinner and things were good. He told me that he hoped that we could label ourselves again someday & be better than ever, but that he wanted to take it slow. A couple of weeks ago he told me that he thinks we should stop talking. I was hurt by that again, because it felt like I was so close to having him back & then he just dropped me again. We agreed to take a month of space & meet up at the end of March to see where we are at. I talked to him today on the phone for a while and he told me that he’s struggling with his thoughts & feelings and that he can’t explain them right now. He told me he thinks about being together again. We agreed to have a conversation soon about his feelings, and are planning on meeting up at the end of the month. I am just struggling with so much unknown with him. I’ve learned that my life doesn’t revolve around him & that I am okay without him, but I do want him in my life. My anxiety has gotten worse due to going through this. I’m just looking for some advice and support.
If a guy wants to keep walking out then let him. Be honest with yourself a think about if he is the one or if you can eventually find someone better who will want to be with you 100%. Don’t stay with someone who doesn’t know what they want, it’s only going to hurt you in the end. He clearly is indecisive about you and someday you’ll find someone who will want you and have absolutely no doubts.
It sounds like your ex might be depressed and should get some counseling. Honestly, you don’t deserve to be strung along by someone (even unintentionally, which can happen when a partner with a mental illness is not adequately treated). I don’t think this will be sorted out or changed in a month. If you are experiencing anxiety, you might be better off going no contact until YOU heal. If you want to be there for him, there needs to be boundaries that protect your emotions, too. He’s probably not a bad guy, but a relationship with him is only going to make you unhappy in the end if he doesn’t change. If he does change (it would take a long time, if ever-but possible) and you both happen to be single, then pursue a relationship with him. Until then, you are probably better off taking care of your needs and making sure you are okay.
My experience with two very difficult break ups is the following. Break up 1: I kept hoping and staying in touch. My anxiety was over the roof. Everytime we spoke on the phone or saw each other, my happiness came back. Then he rejected me again and again and again. It was a vicious cycle. I couldn't get rid of the anxiety for nearly six months. I was like on a high. After I quit hoping for his return cold turkey, the anxiety went away. I healed. Break up 2: I'm having it right now. However, I vow to never see him or hear from him again. I was able not to contact him for 2 weeks. I know I won't go back to him even if he wants to because he let me down. I don't want an abandoner in my life. The anxiety is slowly phasing out. I am still sad and in grief. But less anxious. If I compare my two break ups, number 2 feels much, much healthier. Anxiety is the worse, I think. The more you'll wait for his return, the more anxious you will feel, because you are powerless: it's not up to you. Your brain sends you an alarm signal constantly. It's like having a bell in your bedroom that kerps ringing at any time.