A very confusing and difficult year

Ive been struggling to move forward after a breakup for about a year now. I was the one who ended the relationship. I was unhappy, even miserable, but part of that was the feeling weighing on me that I was becoming a bad partner and it seemed beyond my control.

When we met I felt a really amazing sense of connection to her. Out of everyone Ive met in my life, I feel like I relate to her most, and I still feel that way. Im also intensely attracted to her. Something was wrong, but it wasnt exactly clear to me. Partly I think we rushed things to the extent that even though I felt we had a connection, I didnt really feel like I knew her, and as we fell asleep together I had a feeling come over me like I didnt know who she really was. This is even though we were pretty authentic with each other. We were both insecure and that probably added to that. There were certain things about her, like a lack of energy in how she moved and spoke, that made me feel like she was suffering and defeated under the surface. I got really sucked into a negative place because of what I felt I was picking up on. We are both pretty passive, but I felt I had to be the active one. But she is really amazing, and the most loving, sweet, intelligent partner Ive ever had. The relationship was a huge deal to both of us, but I feel this resistance in me that comes and goes about trying again with her. Theres distance between us and its hard to feel connected when someone isnt around.