Break Up Entries

Just a little something I wrote to get some stuff out last night...

Fuck this shit. I hate not knowing what to do with myself. I hate not knowing where I'm going in life. I had a more figured out vision of my life developed. I had a love life. Not perfect, but something that made me feel alive, something I could look forward to every second of every day. Now look at me. I'm secretly and very rapidly shifting back to my old self. The self that opens up but doesn't actually OPEN UP. I'm hiding what I'm actually feeling because I don't have time for it. I don't have the support needed to have a mental breakdown.

She called me babe

She called me lover

She called me hers

She called me the love of her life

She called me her one and only

She told me that she just wanted to be friends

She told me that it had become awkward and uncomfortable

She told me she didn't know what caused it

She told me she wanted to be single

She told me she didn't love me like she used to

She told me she should have broken it off months ago

She told me she would never hurt me

She told me she loved me

Now I sit alone on my bed, typing this bullshit

Now I barely see her around

Now I've been blocked out of her life, yet let back it

Now I'm her best friend

Now I'm not her lover

Now I'm not sure what to do with myself

The way my heart beats, it's painful

The way that I observe her and my brain replays all the best memories we had together.

The way she would look at me and smile as if I were the best thing on the entire planet.

The way she would laugh at my awkward embarassments.

The way she would call me cute and beautiful and hers.

The way she would take me in her arms and promise to never let go.

Her smile had disappeared, and so had she.

She stayed in the bed of another person the night before she broke it off

We had just hit nine months in a relationship

She had promised she'd make it up to me.

Date night, and it was all over

She slept in his bed again that night

The night that we had set aside for ourselves

The night that we used to watch netflix until early morning

The night that we used to make love for hours on end, our scents mixing in the air and on the sheets

The night that we would hold each other and feel the love in the heat of our skin

The night that made up for all the time we didn't see each other

The night that was just us.

Gone now

Just like her.

She's with him again, studying.

Don't know if she'll come back tonight

Or sleep in his bed again.

She came to me last night

She came to me in an awkward stature

She came to me in a nervous mind set

She came to me thinking of me as her ex

She came to me full of guilt

I told her we were friends

I told her she could tell me anything

I told her not to think of me as her ex

I told her to think of me as her best friend

I told her it wouldn't hurt me

I told her it was fine

Three days

It had been three days since we broke up

It had been three days since she said she didn't love me like she had

It had been three days since she declared me her best friend

It had been three days

Three days

And he had touched her

Done the thing that only I had for the past few months

Crossed the boundary of friends

It had been three days.

I told her it didn't hurt me

I told her it was okay

I told her not to feel guilty

I told her she did nothing wrong

Yet I sat there and held back tears

I sat and wished for my lover back

I sat and wished she would take me in her arms again

I sat and wished she would tell me I was hers, and she mine

I sat and wished she'd come to me and tell me she made a mistake

I sat and wished she'd come tell me she was wrong

I sat and wished she'd come tell me she loved me

I sat and wished she'd take me back

I sat and wished...

Fuck it

Fuck it all

Fuck love

Fuck the way she made me feel

Fuck the happiness she gave me

Fuck the way she made me smile and laugh

Fuck the way she made me feel important

Fuck the way she made me feel loved

Fuck the way she held me at nights

Fuck it

Who needs love anyway?

Why do I need to feel important?

Why do I need to feel loved?

Why does it matter?

Why does it have to be so complicated?

I loved her

I still love her

And she loved me

But what happened?

The way she looked at me with wonder disappeared

The way she kissed me passionately disappeared

The way she held onto me tightly disappeared

The way she said she loved me disappeared

She disappeared

And I lost a bit of myself with her.

I want to break down and cry

I want her to be there for me

I want her back

I want her to love me again

I want what I had

I want to feel important again

I want to see her excited to see me again

I want to feel unique

I want to feel

I want her.