Break Up - Hurt and Confused

Hello: I am a married woman who had an affair for 3 years with a university boyfriend. The first year was on-line, the next two in-person when we could. He said he was in love with me, and wanted me to leave my husband. I refused, and told him I wold never leave, and we carried on the affair for another year after this.

I know I am horrible for being a cheater.

Anyway, mid-may - so just over the 3 year mark - I notice sex slows down, texts slow down, he isn't as eager to get together. We fight, get together, he gives me the silent treatment. Repeat for several weeks. At the end of June, I end things by text. He refuses to talk to me about our relationship, so I had no choice but to use text. I try to keep in touch, hoping we can work things out. But from this point, he has never texted me unless I text him first.

On Sunday, we finaly had a chat about our relationship; two months after I ended it. I am a person who needs closure. I asked him what happened from his perspective. He said he lost energy for our relationship because there was no future. Fair enough. But here is the kicker. I asked if he would still like to be friends and he said NO. I was shocked, but I said I understand. I mean, I can't make somebody be my friend.

This man love bombed me for 2 years solid. I cannot, for the life of me understand how he does not want to be friends. I wonder if he ever really loved me at all. I am grateful I got out of this affair with my marriage in tact, but I will deal with gut wrenching guilt until the end of my days. However, I cannot understand not wanting to be friends.