Break up with dismissive avoidant
I’ve been together with him for 4 years. All seemed great until he suddenly broke up with me. Didn’t know what happened and was in complete shock. Barely reacted at all. I’m anxious attached and he is dismissive avoidant. Told him I wanted to talk a couple weeks after the break up so we met up. It was clear there was still some love left. The convo was good and we even got intimate. The days and weeks after he kept reaching out. Sometimes for overnight sometimes just for dinner or drinks.
Last week his busy schedule started again. He started partying more directly after the break up and is still doing that but now doesn’t want to drink as much anymore. The last time I saw him was this weekend. He was clearly aroused and wanted to meet up. I was fine with it because I thought let’s just see. The next morning we had a small serious convo, he let me know he doesn’t want a relationship now. It’s not me, or not just me, he just doesn’t want a relationship and doesn’t want to figure out right now if we still function in a relationship. Nevertheless he said we can talk about it later and he said goodbye as usual with hugs and kisses. As if it was all good. I’m very down and a bit in distress and disbelief. What just happened? I didn’t seek contact once, every time it was him looking for contact and now he is suddenly pushing me away? Will he come back? Where are we at in the phases of a break up time line? Should I be extremely worried this is it? Or are there still ways of getting back together? I hope someone can help me explain.
X.
It seems to me like he only wants the intimacy without the commitment of a relationship. He’s fine with casual sex every once in a while, whenever he decides to initiate it or whenever it’s convenient, but he doesn’t want to feel obligated to be a constant presence in your life.
After four years, he probably does genuinely feel “comfortable” around you, and the sex might appeal to him in a familiar way - you obviously are very into him which would make the physical connection sincere. But don’t mistake that his comfort as -attachment- in the same sense that you feel for him.
The problem is going to be that sexual intimacy reinforces feelings of attachment and bonding for you; whereas for him it’s primarily about arousal and convenience (and specifically it is NOT about expressing a commitment or unique monogamous “loving” feelings for you). This obviously (and already) is going to mess with your head, because the act of sex is going to mean different things to the both of you, and since you’re the one emotionally attached it’s going to feel more hurtful for you over time to think that he feels less or differently. And he might be somewhat aware of that negative impact that will have on you, because while he doesn’t want a relationship with you he still does not stop kissing you and being physically intimate with you (but yet defers any conversation about “how you might function in a relationship” in future). So possibly he wants the relationship of sexual convenience, but maybe he knows you will be less inclined to settle for that IF you both stated plainly that an official relationship is out of the question.
That’s what it looks like to me anyway.
CatsInTheCradle