Broke up again.

I started dating one of my best friends. It was okay for a while, but one night he got really angry with me at a party. We had a few friends sleep over at his house for a birthday party, and I made it clear to him that I wasnt comfortable having sex with all of them in the house, and I found it weird if we separated to sleep together. These are my friends too so I wanted to be with them. When I went to fall asleep in the living room with everyone else, he lashed out. He kicked me to try and wake me up, he slammed the door and he wouldnt even talk to me the next day. We broke up after that.

About a month ago, we regained feelings for eachother and started it again. It ended a few days ago. He was putting so much pressure on me for sex, when Id said no. He was ignoring when I said I was uncomfortable with hand holding because of my OCD. He was blatantly ignoring my requests for him to respect my pronouns. In the end, we were supposed to meet up with a friend. After hours of me trying to call him to find out where he was, he refused to talk to me, instead messaging my friend. He then left us when we were talking and didnt tell us that he was going home. I had panic attack after panic attack because of that and when we tried to talk about it, he simply said that he didnt want to talk to me. He spent the entire conversation guiltripping me into staying. I told him it wasnt healthy for either of us to stay together.

im tired of being manipulated but I cant help but blame myself