Confusion
I am debating breaking up with my fiancé. We’ve been together a year. I recently decided to postpone our engagement for our wedding in May because it felt rushed to begin with and didn’t feel right just yet due to many recent and unresolved arguments. I value marriage and don’t see the need to rush into things. I thought we could work things out but I am left more confused than ever. I quit my job and moved to another state to be with him. I have put everything on the line. He is a few years older and wants to get married and be settled down. He says that he wants to marry me and that the fact that I don’t want to marry him right away means I don’t love him. In his eyes love=marriage and having a future together. He says that he’s not willing to wait a long time for me (if it takes several years). I don’t know how much time I need to be ready. And now I am feeling pressured and rushed. I am so lost because I love him and want to marry him eventually but I feel like we need to work through things first. He claims that we can work through all of our problems within marriage. So now I feel like I have no choice but to break up. I just hope I am not regretting this decision and running away in fear because he loves me and wants to commit to me now. Feedback appreciated.
As someone who just left a relationship that lasted 2.5 years, I hope my feedback helps you find the right decision. Relationships where there are unresolved issues can cause problems. Committing to someone is a good thing but marriage is that next step that makes it hard to undo once it is done. My relationship was on a good path, moving forward in the same direction, loving kind and supportive. But there were issues and we both continued to not push things towards marriage. As time moved on the relationship did break down and I ended it. The unresolved issues never were resolved and kept piling up and slowly turned to resentment and frequent arguments. Even though we broke up, I still love her. But the inability to solve problems together frustrated me and my efforts to find a better way to communicate failed. One year of being together on the surface felt like sufficient time to make the choice to be married, but my logical mind told me to be patient and your logical mind is saying the same thing. If you can find a way to resolve the issues you two have, through counseling, reading things and exchanging ideas, that is an important first step. But you alone must be comfortable with the decision you are making and efforts for him to equate love with marriage and to kick problems to the future in my opinion is a troubling sign. Take your time and breath. Find help and talk to friends. Getting feedback here is a good positive step too. You owe it to yourself to make the best decision for you. You are making the first steps to making the best decision for you. Good luck and trust your judgement.
Thank you for your feedback and for sharing your story . It is good to put things in perspective.
It sounds like you are very smart and intentional and doing the thing that makes the most sense given t to be situation.
