Considering Divorce
I've been married sixteen years. We are great roommates. As we've gotten older, he has become more introverted and content to stay in his head and cut off emotion, even the good ones. I'm not content at all. I've been telling him my concerns for years, but it only helps for a few days and then back to withdrawn. He says he will go to counseling if I want to, but has blocked every attempt to do so. I'm tired and defeated and LONELY. But... we have three kids and I don't want to trade my frustration for their stability. I feel stuck.
Hi sogoesit! I'm sorry that you feel stuck and frustrated. Have u asked your husband why he's not opening up to u? You say he opens up for a few days. Do you feel close to him during that time? Do you believe that you are open with him?
He's not necessarily open ever, just there are days he makes more if an effort to "tolerate" holding my hand or having a conversation with me (small talk). When I've asked, he says he doesn't know what I want him to do even after I've given him a direct, short list if things (like eye contact!). I try to be open and share and ask about his day and he shuts it down.
At this point, I never feel close to him. Only sometimes more comfortable than others.
Thanks for sharing this. I'm really sorry that you are dealing with this. Sometimes having someone moderate between two ppl is helpful. I think one of the key things that helps in relationships is trying not to read each others minds but to instead ask probing questions with a quest to understand what one another is going through. I sometimes make assumptions and then develop feelings based on those assumptions which is irrational bc i didn't know the real answer in the first place. I hope maybe that's helpful. I think the key to resolving any issue is information and information sharing. Please let me know what you think.
@TakeControlOfYourMind
Great questions. Sometimes the way we communicate things can make things worse. These questions are all important ones before we decide to make a big life decision. Great job with supporting her! :)
I think it is very early to think about a divorce. Why don?t you both go to a marriage counselor, maybe you husband will be able to open up to the counselor and this will solve the problem. But if you are sure that things will not work out and that divorce is the only way ahead then talk to your husband about it andhire a family lawyer to help you. Talk to him(or her) and file for the divorce. If your husband also wants a divorce then things should be pretty easy.
When I was married. I would always get angry or frustrated about small things. There were some bigger financial issues that I thought were soo bad. So now I no longer have him in my life because I left. A life without him feels like no life at all. I sit here on Christmas Eve dating some guy that is 100x worse than my husband. I am alone. And now he has someone else. I'm not downplaying your issues because they are real issues. But don't feel like leaving is the only option. As angry as you are at him. Now imagine your life without him. Do you feel better or worse?
I've been married 8 years. The whole thing has been one fight after another. I asked for marriage counseling 2 years in. A year later she contacted a church and they had a counselor available, and I turned it down because the guy was my old high school counselor and we never got along. After more years of asking her to find a counselor, at 6 years in, I finally reached out and got one. I hadn't reached out before because I worked at least 50 hours a week and took college courses at about 28-32 credit hours per semester. For the last 2 years my struggle has been the same. I was hesitant to trade my frustration for the kids' stability. But it reached a point where the bickering and fighting kept happening in front of the kids. I kept telling her all I wanted was communication, active listening, and to put at least if not the family, then the kids before herself. She always did/does whatever she wants and to hell everyone else and their feelings. On Halloween after trick or treating I told her I wanted a divorce. It's been amicable so far, we've agreed on custody. Any time it became a she didn't want or she wanted, I reminded her we had to think about what was best for the kids and a stable life for them, not us. This has guaranteed my frustrations would soon be fine and they'd have a new schedule but it would be a stable one at least. Since asking for a divorce, she's been doing everything I've asked of her for 8 years. Any time she's 'worked on it' in the past, it's been a couple of days, then back to same old same old. I'm hesitant to even consider taking her back because it won't be long before she's back to her old self. I can't be in an unhealthy relationship and have my kids think that that's what they should have for themselves.
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That is a very complex situation. Do you feel in your heart that you still love him? Often times people will stay together for the kids, but sometimes that can backfire. How important is your overall happiness to you? Men are different than women.. if you have tried to talk to him and it isnt working, what other alternatives do you have as far as communication? Does he know you are considering divorce?
Children are sometimes more perceptive than we give them credit for. When I was young I used to hope my parents would get divorced because I could see how unhappy they were together. In the end they did and I was always glad that they did. They're so much happier 15 years later.
My mother had an open conversation with me asking if it was something I thought would be better for everyone. This of course can have adverse effects if the child isn't expecting it, or really doesn't want it, or is too young. But I think it can be good to be open to the fact that your child may have the same frustrations as you, and you just both don't know it yet!
Divorce or stay? Just starting to seriously contemplate this question. I don't think I'm ready to discuss; I don't want to think logistics and complications. I thought maybe I'd feel better if I shared something I wrote and let some stranger read it and hear me. I don't need feedback or thoughts - just someone to listen. Thanks
Wrong link before; not sure how to edit post
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