Did and said horrible things that I can never take back, and lost my ex girlfriend because of it

Hi Everyone. First time on here after reading numerous entries over the past 5 months since my breakup. I'll try to keep it as short and sweet as possible.

Met my ex girlfriend over 3 years ago. Hit it off instantly. We had common interests, and more importantly we had kids around the same age so we could relate on many levels. We dated for about 5 months before I moved into her apartment because the owner of the house I was renting wanted to move back in. Things were good. I had a successful, high paying job. She had a lower paying job, but is excellent at what she does. We had our disagreements from time to time, especially since I was paying for a lot of things/helping her out financially when needed. One night after both drinking too much, and arguing over something so trivial that I cannot remember what it was about, I told her I was leaving and started walking out the door with my clothes. What happened next is what haunts me to this day. I pushed her when she wouldn't let me leave. She hit her head on the wall, and at that point I sobered up quickly realizing what a monster I was to do that to her. She never contacted the authorities, and after some time, we reconciled and I moved back in.

Eventually we ended up renting a house together with enough room for us and our 4 kids. Life was great again, but there was always some resentment on my part because I was mostly footing the bills because I made significantly more money than she did. Unfortunately that led to more arguements than I would like to admit to. We loved and cared about each other so much that that also held more power than any disagreements. The pinnacle of our relationship was when she used her tax refund to fly me and my kids, along with her and her kids, to her home state back east (lived in CA at the time) so she could introduce me to her family. She and I talked about marriage, and I approached her parents about the possibility of marrying their daughter sometime within the next year (we were on year 2 of dating). We were on cloud 9.

My world changed later that year when the company I worked for closed its doors. I went unemployed for 10 months stupidly turning down less paying jobs because I felt I could find something in the range of what I used to make. I started drinking more and worked side jobs to help pay bills and rent, liquidated my retirement account to stay in the house and maintain normalcy as much as possible. Arguements occurred more frequently as the financial burden was now on her shoulders. We lost the house, and found a smaller, more affordable house to move into. I never made it into that house. I had a job offer in AZ, and since my kids live with their mom there, I took the job and moved to AZ.

For about a year we stayed in contact. I'd travel back to her place, she would sometimes come out to mine, but everything changed. I started hearing rumors of her cheating, and because my ex wife cheated on me, I because very insecure and jealous. Any pictures she posted with her and a man (even if I knew the guy) infuriated me. We'd argue over the phone or via text. I thought things were getting better when we took another "family" trip at the beginning of this year and everything started to calm down. That lasted until right after Mother's Day when I heard she was hanging out with a guy, but just as friends. After another argument, I told her I was done. She agreed and we broke up.

I did the stupid thing for the next 2 months begging, pleading, being desparate, going hot and cold with her. I just could not control my emotions. Alcohol didn't help the situation either. We eventually started talking again and I made what is now a last visit to her place for the weekend. It was the honeymoon period all over again. We text, called, and Facetime periodically after that until one night she told me 3 guys from her home state were coming out to stay at her place while going dirt bike riding, and of course she was to join them. She told me not to freak out or over-think the situation as they don't look at her more than just a friend. I tried my best to contain my jealousy, but while Facetiming her and having a great conversation, I questioned her again about these guys. It turned into a full blown, name calling argument.

Here's what I did that has gotten me to this point, and I'm not proud of at all and I know I'm an a-hole and d-bag for doing this. She had used my laptop to login to her work email, and the login information was still there, so I opened it up and read her emails. Since it was a work email, there's wasn't anything too exciting; however, there was an email to a co-worker talking about taking a Thursday and Friday off for a wedding, that just so happened to be the same weekend the 3 guys were coming into town, and she told me earlier in the week that she had to work late that Thursday and Friday and was upset because she had company come into town. I ripped into her big time via text and she denied any wrong doing. I was home alone when this all happened, and I decided to go out and have a few drinks. When I got back home, I was so livid with her that I went into her work account and sent off 3 emails acting as her. One was to a co-worker who she hated, the other was to her landlord requesting to get out of her lease, and the last one was to her boss saying she was resigning. I know I should be in jail right now for doing what I did, but she has not pressed any charges, nor has her employer. The next day I received a text saying I crossed a line that I never could come back from, and to never contact her, her family or friends again. Of course, I text her and she told me to leave her alone.

Again, being the idiot that I am, I've text her on a few occassions throughout the first half of the month. When the subject matter is about our kids, she responds, but very short and brief. If it had anything to do with us, she ignored it. I said positive things to her, apologizing twice for my actions, but one time got very frustrated with her lack of responding that I went off on her and called her names via text. A very childish thing to do. Over the last 2 weeks of the month, I sent her about 4 texts that were supportive, positive, and caring with no response to her. I knew when I sent those texts that she most likely would not respond.

Here it is the beginning of the holiday season, and I've told myself that I will never hear from her again, and I understand why. My heart is broken, and I know I hurt her tremendously. I'm finding ways to occupy my mind and my time, while trying to move on with my life. I now suffer anxiety attacks like I never have experienced before in the past, and along with all of this, I've lost my job again. I live in a city with no family or friends (I know how to socialize and have met people, but they have lives too), and I'm coping with all of this without an immediate support system like how I had the first time I lost my job. I cannot get this girl out of my head. I'm having a tougher time with this 3 year relationship ending than when my 9 year marriage with 2 kids ended. Our birthday's are coming up in a couple of months, with mine coming first, and I wonder if she'll text me or not. I know I shouldn't think that way because I'll never heal and move on with my life with that type of thinking.

I know there's not a quick fix, and I get that I need to get my act together for myself and any future relationship I may get into. I'm broken right now. Have really low self-esteem, and my self-worth is in the dumps. Trying to work out, find a new hobby, socialize more, all the things you find on the internet. Trying not to be hard on myself, trying to forgive myself, and trying to forgive her as well.

Sorry for the long post. If anything, this has helped me get some things off my chest by typing it out. I'm prepared for comments on my actions, and I'm man enough to take the heat and criticism. Thank you for your time!