Divorced and Miss my Kids
Around 8 months ago my wife told me she wasn't happy and couldn't live with me any more. Said we never had anything in common (after 18 years of marriage). I knew we didn't have a perfect marriage, but this came out of the blue to me. She refused to see anyone to get us help. When we told the kids I thought it was the worst I could ever feel (she told them it was a decision we came to together, which wasn't true). A few months later, after I moved out, I subsequently confirmed what my friends had suspected immediately when I told them of the situation: she had been cheating on me.
So now I only get to see my kids, the gifts that for a long time I had almost given up hope to ever be blessed with, every other weekend. My daughter is old enough that she can drive now, so I don't even have that time to take her to events / soccer practices. And every day that I've been deprived of that blessing to be around them is absolute torture. It feels exactly like I described to my wife before I moved out: I have been condemned to a solitary cell.
Hello @RonnieStorm7575
I can only imagine what you are going through. Thank you for reaching out and want to talk about it.
I know it's a tough situation but talking definitely helps and I'm here if you want to talk.
Today was a very, very bad day. My son had a flag football game, and my ex wife told me that the guy she is seeing (with whom she was cheating on me during our marriage) was coming to the game, along with his young daughter. I said I couldn't stop it, but I was not OK with it. She asked why since it didn't affect me. I replied if it affected my son it affected me (something anyone with any sense of caring should not have needed explaining about). And I realized more and more that she is trying to erase me from my kids lives.
When I last went over to the house to pick up some stuff, I saw that there was a lot she had packed up that were shared collectables that represented each of us, as well as our shared family memories. Christmas was just as bad, when they packed up "Dad's" ornaments and didn't put them on the tree.
This is a living nightmare. I was prepared to be apart from the kids once they went away to college, but not this way. My heart is aching every day I'm away from them, and with added expenses I'm going to soon have to start a second job, which will limit my time with them even more.
I was able to watch my kids for a few nights during the week for the past few weeks as my ex wife was staying with her mother following her mother's surgery. And I got to spend this weekend with my daughter at a soccer tournament. But after dropping her off and hugging her and my son, I haven't been able to stop crying. It isn't enough. I need to be around them more. Complete anguish is what I live in when I'm away from them.
Could someone please talk to me? I'm clinging to that tiny thread of the two days (and it's more often than not less than that) that I can be with the kids. I'm falling apart.
@RonnieStorm7575
hello
I'm sorry to read of what you've been going through the past several months. It really seems so unfair to you. Are you able to discuss being around them more? Even if you're not her husband now, you are and will remain their dad forever!
You can make something to your kids or learn a trait to make something for them that should bring a little happiness to you even if you post on their social media that longing will seem less
@RonnieStorm7575,
you are still grieving. Which is only human.
Take all the time you need. I am still grieving too, for over 1.5 years after my wife said she wanted a divorce.
Your kids might unconsciously be a way for you to hang on to the past. Like clinging on to hope.
Point is, you are no longer her husband and she has made that pretty clear.
What you still are and always will be is the father of your kids. She doesn't seem to try to keep you away from them.
So, be a dad to them. A dad who loves his kids. Who still grieves but first and for all, a dad they can rely on. Who is fully there for them.
Divorce is not easy. It's quite a traumatic experience. I guess you didn't see it coming, although the writings on the wall were there, maybe for a long time. That is something you might want to reflect upon, to reflect upon yourself. To learn. To become more you. It's oh so easy to tell the other in whatever kind of relationship what they should do. The challenge is to ask yourself, what can I do to improve this relationship.
As they say, love is a verb. It's something both partners need to work on. Every single day. Expressing how you feel while keeping it with you. Not like, "you make me feel like....". But "I feel like...". Feelings are genuine, and no one can judge them. However, they are your feelings and you cannot make someelde responsible for your feelings. All you can do is express them, and the other might understand. And if so, you could mutually express and communicate and prevent nasty patterns to develop.
Nasty like one partner pushing, and the other partner feeling pressurized and withdrawing. And you then even pushing harder. Which results in more withdrawal from the other.
Again, grieve. Reflect upon you. Be a dad. Don't pretend to be strong when you are weak. Don't see your kids as a way to reconnect. Your wife was not happy for a long time and made her decision long time ago. It was not the other guy, she had already decided.
That doesn't mean she doesn't love you or rejects you. It means she has moved on to another phase in her life.
True love is letting go. True love is respecting someone's choices. Use that to love you, to become more you, and be a great dad who is always there for him hence always there for his kids.
Sending hugs to all of you.
