Do I owe him anything?
My partner of three years broke up with me on New Years Eve when he was 400 miles away visiting his family. It came out of no where (at least it was a surprise to me). I was living with depression for the previous 6 months and most recently I was grieving 3 people who passed away between November and December. The breakup was a lot to process and it was placed on top of a pile of other things I was trying to process. After only a few weeks he reached out to say he was sorry and he wanted to come back. I gave it a lot of thought but I said no. I feel like my trust in him was broken when he chose to leave at such a difficult time. I don't see how we can rebuild a relationship with the trust broken. He keeps asking for me to reconsider and I keep saying no (although the certainty I have in my decision is slipping). Maybe I am not being fair? Maybe I am being the mean one now to spite him? Or maybe I need to stick to my final decision and walk away and try to heal?
In his last message he told me it feels unfair that he made one mistake and I won't consider giving him another chance. He says its unfair that I am giving up on the relationship when he wants to work on it (he has suggested therapy, compromises, exercises). He says he'll give me my space for a while but he isn't giving up. He'll reach out again in a few weeks, a few months, or a few years to try to win me back. He says I at least owe him a face to face conversation or a phone call. Do I? I feel my resolve disappearing and if this is the right choice to call off the relationship, then meeting with him could mean I will end up making a mistake and going back. On the other hand, what if I am being unreasonable and meeting with him will be the start of us repairing something that is fixable?
@SecretlyMe you don't owe him a relationship, make that decision for yourself. What feels right to you? But whatever you do, just try to be honest so you don't leave him confused or hanging onto anything.
@dworth257 Thank you for your advice I think I now feel slightly more confident that I am making the right decision, no matter how difficult it is. My new problem is that he won't accept it and is reaching out often for me to reconsider. I don't know how to make it any clearer. I amnot leaving him confused or hanging but he isn't accepting this yet and its overwhelming to have to saay goodbye to him over and over again especially when it was so hard to make this decision in the first place
@SecretlyMe
I am currently experiencing a similar thing -- broke up with my boyfriend of 4.5 years (6 years of living together), after an extended period of anxiety due to finances and geriatric pets. Proverbial nail in the coffin was in late November, and after a few very tense months, we finally pulled the plug this past Monday.
I have major anxiety issues, he has bi-polar that hasn't been treated with therapy or medication during the entire time I've known him. I know he's in a manic cycle currently, and have a VERY strong feeling that when he inevitably crashes, I'm going to get a call.
I can tell you that I won't be accepting him back into my life, not without him pursuing the help he needs, but also ... i need help myself. His presence will hinder my growth (as three therapists and a gaggle of friends have already agreed with).
Trust is a hell of a thing -- my ex destroyed my trust in November, with some extremely hurtful words. That takes a lot of time to heal, and a lot of work that needs to be done by both parties to get there. I'm going to say that, if you haven't, you should look into councelling and therapy for your depression, especially with as ongoing as it's been, and with the massive loss of three people in such a short period of time. Your ex can wait -- he did this part to himself, and he needs to deal with the consequences of it while you heal.
Much love <3
@ariamoreaux I'm sorry that you are going through something similar. But it's great that you know what you want and you are confident that you will stick with that decision.
I have started counseling. I originally reached out for help when I was just trying to process the depression and the grief. I had to wait a few weeks for my first appointment and it came around two days after he broke up with me. So I guess that was really good timing in a way.
My ex has offered to get help for his own issues or suggested that we attend counseling together to try to work through this problem. I think that's why he feels frustrated. Because to him, he's trying to fix the mistake and he's trying to make amends but I don't think I can take those steps with him. Before, he was the one that didn't want to talk it out and left me instead. Now that he's ready to work on it, I don't think I can work with him to salvage this. It sort of feels like his abandonment was a deal breaker rather than an obstacle to overcome in the relationship.
Second guessing myelf.
I broke up with my ex boyfriend 4 years ago.Since then i have not been in a serios relationship.This is because i am very cautious and if i notice any red flags i run.However,my ex boyfriend started reaching out.He wants us to get back together.Honestly i dont find it right and okay.
Today we had a talk and i explained to him my fears and why i cannot get back together with him.
We had a very good friendship foundation so i keep asking myself will i ever get that somewhere else?How do i start to trust again.
@JoyJuly267 Sounds like we're in a similar situation. I'm sorry that you're confused too. I think one of the reasons that I don't want to get back together with my ex is because I have so much work to do on myself (regain trust in other, process the grief, fight the depression, lower my anxiety, etc) and I know he has some issues he hasn't been working on and was leaning on me as a crutch instead (he has self-esteem issues and the attention I gave him made him feel less bad about himself).
Getting back together with an ex requires a lot of effort from both parties to work through issues that might have been issues for the relationship in the past. For example, I now think that we weren't communicating effectively and now the trust has been broken. Can I really see myself working on both myself and the relationship at the same time? I don't know if that's a reasonable goal. I think if we jumped back into something, I will either give up on working on myself which will leave me ultimately unhappier. Or we will continue this new relationship with all the flaws of the last one and that is doomed to fail like the first and that will leave me devestated like last time. Seems like getting back together right now will just leave me unhappy in the end. We can't expect something to end up differently if we don't change anything from the last time.
Maybe your situation is very different than mine and you feel differently about what you are going to do. But do you see yourself needing to get help on your trust issues? Do you maybe want to talk this through with a professional to get to the root of why you feel the need to run away from relationships? What do you think were the issues in the relationship that led to the separation between you two in the first place? Can those issues be resolved and are you both willing to make a plan and follow through to resolve them? But most importantly, if you think you need to work on yourself AND you need to work on this relationship, are you prepared to undergo both at the same time?
Hope we both get clarity soon. Good Luck!
