Feeling Ashamed and Embarrassed of Parter’s Affair and my Reaction
Hi all, I’m curious if anyone has delt with shame and embarrassment regarding being cheated on. My ex had a very long physical and emotional affair with a coworker. There was lots of gaslighting involved and blame shifting that occurred after I had discovered it. Desperate to cling on to the life I had created, I agreed to an open relationship. And I willing took on the blame for her affair. She cited work stress on my part as continuing to her choice. I ended up seeing someone too. I couldn’t do it. It was a big web of lies and really ate at me. I begged her to come back to just me many times. Until I finally called it quits and asked for a divorce. I even set up marriage counseling and set up meetings. She forbid me from telling anyone who the affair was with so i really can’t tell anyone about what happens. She threatened me in a few ways. I’m getting my life sorted out now and I am in a better place. I just feel so ashamed and embarrassed. Has anyone gotten over this? Or had a similar experience?
I have been through something similar - My ex fiance cheated on my for a significant portion of our relationship. I didn't even learn about it until after we had ended our relationship for other reasons. I felt stupid and as though I had done something wrong for a long time. At the end of the day, though, those choices aren't about us, they're about them.
She made her choices, she knew what she was doing was wrong. How she handled this was full of what sounds like emotional and mental abuse. You aren't to blame for her manipulating you. Her weaponizing polyamory doesn't make you bad - And you seeking validation anywhere you could during that time is understandable.
I hope you can heal soon - It sounds like you really loved her and wanted to make it work. I am so sorry she chose to hurt you in this way.
You'll find love again, I am sure of it.
Thank you Robin, and thank you for sharing. I can only imagine that must have been a painful discovery. I definitely under that feeling of rethinking and rethinking what you could change. I think part of my healing process is having compassion for myself and the choices I made at that time. What you said about seeking validation makes complete sense. I was desperate and that was a quick fix. Weaponizing polyamory is a way that I hadn’t thought about it and that helps me clear it up. But yeah, it felt like that. I think what is important to remember is that I may have not seen all my options at the time, so I picked path and went with it. Ditching the house, the marriage, the memories and the idea of Us was too much at the time.
Why does she have the right to forbid you to talk? Talking will validate you, will make the guilt and shame go away, will make you feel better. Take your power back. This person does not control you. This person is toxic and you deserve so much better.