HELP-Breaking Up with a Toxic Friend
I have this friend, who I've known for about three, going on four years. Ever since I met her, she was very driven and bold, but she said a lot of things that I didn't realize were her being rude to me, because I thought she was just teasing me. Three years later, and she's still saying the same type of things- like calling me stupid or an airhead, even though I'm actually quite intelligent. Whenever I even give my boyfriend a small kiss in front of her, she acts disgusted even though we've been happily dating for over a year. She's unstable and guilts people if they don't do what she wants. And she's very critical and talks about people behind their backs. I want to stop being friends with her, even though we've had times that were good and she's not always like that. I think she thinks she means well. This will seemingly come out of the blue to her, though it might not considering I haven't texted her or talked to her in two months. Last time I saw her, she really hurt my feelings and I cried afterwards. If I get mad at her, she will probably blame me because "I didn't say anything earlier", but the truth is I was too scared of her to say anything about her behavior.I'm prepared to lose our mutual friends if that's what it will take to get her negative influence to end. My closest friends are all supportive of my decision, though. I'm going to give her a phone call, but I have no idea what to say. I might even chicken out, and I hate that idea...I hate that I feel so afraid and so sick. Our friendship is making me miserable. What do I do?
@Evenstar8
You just need to ask yourself. Why are you friends with her? What is this friendship good for you if at all?
Also, have you ever told her she is hurting you with her behavior? If yes, how did she reacted?
You can leave this friendship behind or you can try to make this person respect you for who you are once and for all. Put some boundaries. Tell her whenever she calls you names you don't like. But be careful - for such a long time you allowed her to do it, it will come as a strange act to suddenly feel hurt by it. Tell her how you've felt all this time and see if you can work together towards the same goal or not. Maybe she also has stuff she feels hurt or annoyed about you.
What you do with your boyfriend is your business, she acts like a jealous person. Tell her it isn't about her. You sound like you never made clear boundaries between what is yours alone and what is yours as in your friendship. There are differences. Make sure you define them and break the unhealthy cycle. It's up to you and how you wish to continue.
Good luck!
@cristiana33
Thank-you, your advice is good. The reason I was so afriad to confront her is I have confronted her in the pst about small things, and tried to set boundaries, but she yelled at me and started crying so I was scared to do it again. That was while ago, so for the past two years I've just pretty much let her say whatever she wanted because I didn't want her to cause a scene again. I think that I should really put my foot down though.
@Evenstar8
Looks like you've let her manipulate you. That isn't what a good friend does. You just stepped over your needs and reasons to comfort her. That can work for a while until that friend figures out on their own or with your help (if allowed) what's wrong and what can be fixed. It isn't fair to let things stay her way only. That isn't real friendship. It's like a monologue. So I hope you can both figure out a way to be together if you both still want to.
@Evenstar8
Hi Evenstar (nice, LOTR?),
toxic friendships are exhuasting! It sounds like you've really thougt this through and are prepared to leave, but are confused about how to go through with it. It seems like you are still being affected by her years of negativity and conditioning and are wary of confronting her, maybe for fear of how she might react (which will in all likelihood be negative and as hurtful to you as possible). If I were about to do the same thing, I would ask myself a few questions, such as:
Is she worth more of my time and my emotions (especially guilt)?
- It's always the best way to go, to talk to someone and have as civilised and respectful a 'break-up' as possible. Especially if it's been a while, it sometimes feels like we owe an explanation as to why we're leaving/our behaviour. However, in some cases, it's also understandable and no moral fault of anyone if one decides to just 'ghost'. You seem to be building up towards a phone call, and there's heightened emotions and drama attached to this event - but,
Has she ever given you an explanation of her behavoiur?
Would she consider taking out the time and nerves to do this for you, if the roles were reversed?
- You haven't talked to her for two months, so maybe the natural progression is just to forget, forgive, and move on. If she contacts you and asks what's up with you, you can always be casual about it and simply not make an effort. If she demands an explanation, then you can explain; perhaps after some more weeks and deciding to move on, it'll be easier to have that conversation.
@WildUnknown
Yeah, LOTR. :) Thank-you for your answer. When I think about it, she has apologized after we have fought before, but never for the things that really matter. She will apologize for surface problems, but not for the deeper things- like lack of respect, or being manipulative. And she will only apologize after I contact her first. Last time...I think her apology was ruined by her trying to use it to make me feel bad. She probably wouldn't show me the courtesy of telling me why she doesn't want to be near me. She is very explosive in personality but she doesn't have the spine to confront people head-on for long periods of time, or let them go. She tends to just reach a breaking point, yell at whoever she is mad at, and then come running back in tears trying to justify her behavior. I'm used to drawn-out conflicts, from my family, but that's another story.
I know she wouldn't do the same for me, but I feel like I need this for myself, for closure. I understand that my feelings are valid, but no matter what I will feel a degree of guilt. I'm a very loyal person to my friends, and I've never left one behind before, not even for my own sake. What she will say to me will probably be very hurtful. It might haunt me. But each day I don't say anything, I find myself imagining her wondering why I haven't called or texted. She's asked other people why I haven't contacted her yet. And I feel more guilt for not cutting it off. It's a risk, but I might be happier. I don't really know...there's no manual for this kind of thing. Prioritizing myself is a new experience. I'm still not sure what I'll say, but I'm planning on doing it tomorrow.
I won't be alone, my boyfriend is coming over to support me and my family is going to be there as well. Maybe I should write down some of the things I want to say...oh well. Thank-you for being so helpful, everyone. I hope that this will all be over soon.