How can I forgive myself?

Hello.

Let me start by saying I was both physically and emotionally abused as a child by my father. And I suffered severe anxiety attacks for about ten years. I still have them once in a while but it's much better. As I started to gain control over my mind I met a guy who seemed right in all possible ways. I was thrilled! We met a few times in group and eventually went on a nice date. After that he acted colder. To the point I was ready to let go. But he insisted on explaining his behavior. I didnt want to but as he tried to convince me for more then half an hour I thought I must really mean something to him. When we met he told me he was afraid to meer again because he thought I expected a relationship and I was too much drama for him. I rebelled at his statement. Didn't understand why he would make that assumption without taking the time to get to know me. Didn't get why dating a few times or maybe something more would undoubtly lead to a relationship. We argued over email and stopped communicating. He then went abroad for several months. During his time away, we picked up contact and continued to chat. It was so confusing to me, why we could get along so well but he didn't want to try going further. So I asked again. He wrote that he's seeking perfection and I'm not perfect enough. And that that was on him and had nothing to do with me. He returned home for a week this summer and made time to make me dinner. It was a wonderful evening and he parted with a warm hug. I wanted to see him again before he left, he ignored me. When I called him on it he apologized saying he has a hard time saying no and he would love nothing else than to give me al the warmth and luck in the world because I deserve it so much but that being my friend is too intense for him and he just wants to run away. We talked it out and agreed we were a weird duo and we would get there eventually. He really wanted to be friends. I then got so infatuated with my feelings for him and failed to accept he didn't fancy me. I wrote him a long email saying goodbye because I didnt understand why he would be so loving but didnt want to take it further. When he didnt answer I got anxiety attacks for fear of losing him. We called briefly before he went back abroad. He said I projected on him, that he didnt understand why I would have all this feelings since he never showed interest, that we would never work, that he just sensed I had alot going on and that I would lean on him emotionally and he cannot deal with that.

I then apologized for my reactions. Said I needed time to regroup. He said he would be there when I was done. But then my grandma died and I just lost it. Wrote him a long email again, saying he's wrong. I'm not the person he thinks I am, that the only thing that matters is if he's attracted to me physically cause everything else is based on assumptions. He told me he is not attracted enough, that I torture him writing this emails and he wanted a time out. I obliged for about three weeks and then tried to reconnect. He said ok if I could leave the drama behind. But when he then ignored my messages (about fun stuff - and by ignoring I mean not answering for 3 days) I got mad and unleashed full drama on him in yet another long email. Where I explained my disturbing childhood and the bad years that followed with my anxiety attacks. That he cornered me from the start by saying I was drama and I reacted as just that: drama. That I wasnt that girl. That he never really took the time to get to know me. I never felt he was open to who I really am but only saw what he wanted. And so on. I wrote a couple of messages after that. He ignored them all. Until I did the most disgusting thing, I guilted him in replying. And as he did reply, he wrote he had enough of my endless stream of accusations and emotional bullying and we only met two times so he doesnt owe me anything. It was a could shower. I went too far. I apologized. Again.

But he doesnt want anything to do with me anymore.

I still cant believe how this all happened. I just confirmed him in his believes, but I am not that person at all! I didnt want to accuse or bully him. I am quite warm and open and grounded in so many ways. Somehow though, to him, I did react shamefully. So now I lost a connection that really meant something to me. And I have no one to blame but myself. It's killing me to the point the anxiety is back and I cant sleep. How can I ever forgive myself for how I behaved?