I feel like I completely failed the woman I love most.
So our relationship started under not-ideal circumstances. She was in a very mentally abusive/manipulative relationship (extreme gaslighting, among other issues). She'd been steadily becoming more depressed over time, and started reaching out to anybody who would talk. We'd been Facebook friends for a couple years, as we were bf/gf in elementary school many years prior (before she moved away). We went from just messaging online, to long phone daily conversations, and she was steadily realizing just how bad things were there, and she wanted to come visit. During her visit, we realized that between our conversations and time together we had fallen in love, and that she absolutely hated life back with her abuser.
She flew back just to gather her most important belongings and give a proper good-bye. Even then, she didn't get to complete those plans, because he was irrational, drunk, and trying to take away her phone to prevent her from leaving or talking to anybody. Only the police being called on him got him to back down. And for her own safety, she left the very next day.
She came to live with me, and things were absolutely amazing. It was like I'd found part of my soul that had been missing for years. However, her ex still had a lot of her possessions, and she was on some of his accounts. He used that to make sure that she would stay in touch with him. He even reported her for fraud at one point for usig a joint account, because she wasn't calling him enough. As far as I can tell, he continued to play and manipulate her in various ways for a while. He'd pay for things for her, occasionally ship her some cherished possession or another, send her gifts, etc. We was efinitely trying to undermine our relationship in any way he could.
Meanwhile, things weren't perfect here. She was having trouble finding work, and that was hurting her self esteem. And we were having money issues in general, as things were tighter than expected. She also had some health issues (nothing new there though, she's always had some health problems to deal with). I was being a bit too clingy at times. Things weren't perfect, but we generally communicated well, and knew how to work through problems together.
Well, eventually she got a job interview back near where her ex lived, the comapny was willing to fly her out for the interview, and she felt like she needed a job enough that she'd have taken anything she could find. (Later we found out that it was actually mostly fake. Her ex had bought the ticket and had a friend at the company send the email pretending it was them setting things up). The night before she left was really amazing. There was so much love that it was like we could overcome anything together. She'd go to the interview, and if she got the job, I'd join her out there in a week or two. If not, she'd visit some old frinds and come back soon. Everything really seemed as loving and strong between us as it ever had. Easily one of the best evenings and morenings we'd ever spent together.
That morninng was when we found out that the interview was half a set-up. The interview itself was real, but the circumstances around it were all fake. Despite me thinking it was a terrible idea, she went to the interview anyways. After virtually no contact for a few days, we finally talk and she's breaking up with me and staying there. I later found out she had already gotten back together with her abusive ex by the time she talked with me, though at the time she lied about that.
Last time we talked, she was mean and insulting me, like nothing we'd had mattered. It was crushing. I'm still here lonely and miserable, and she's seemingly totally happy with things as they are now. I know that it's only a matter of time before things collapse again there. Abusive/manipulative people don't change overnight. And he certainly hadn't changed during the time she was here. I just feel like if I'd been able to find a better job, and get her totally away from her ex early on, everything would be great now. Instead, I'm lonely and miserable, knowing I failed her. And she's back with an abuser.
For me personally, the loneliness is the worst part. We used to do almost everything together, and now I'm finding I hate doing things alone. I keep wanting to share things with her, cuddle with her, etc. Every moment I'm alone feels like hell to me, knowing that it isn't going to end anytime soon. Everything around me reminds me of her, and how happy I was just a few weeks ago. I'm just rambling at this point.
Tl:dr: I couldn't make enough money to totally cut her ties to her abusive ex, and now she's back with him. I'm lonely and miserable, and she's currently happy with her ex, because "he was just sick and he's totally changed now."
@whatever1234567
Hi there,
First of all, let me say that I am so sorry this is happening to you.
It seems to me that you did everything you could to help her out. Unfortunately, that is not enough for some people. I believe her behavior has nothing to do with you or anything you did or didn't do. Some people have an easy time believing whatever is convenient to them at that moment (sort of an instant-gratification moment).
Try to remember that you are loved and that you aren't alone at all. As for the loneliness, I know it's a very real feeling and it is awful. I believe it'll go away over time. Try to surround yourself with people you love (I understand it is easier said than done... at times like this, it can be difficult to see that there are at the very least a couple of people who love you unconditionally).
The reason I am writing to you, is that I have been in a messed up relationship for almost 10 years... been cheated on and been told it was all my fault, been called crazy, dillusional, etc. And I am finally starting to understand that it was never about me. People believe whatever they want to believe. I am not saying that I have found the light at the end of the tunnel and that I am utterly happy with my new realizations. It still sucks. But things are easier now. I understand that I can let go of someone I've sworn to spend the rest of my life with, and still care about them from afar. I am getting ready for a new life... and am really afraid and excited at the same time. But I'm going to keep on going, regardless of the fear, because, honestly, I know that there has to be better days ahead. And I believe the same for you.
I hope my reply will help you feel a little better.
@whatever1234567 Hi! It's clear from everything you wrote that this relationship and breakup has been particularly rough on you and I wanted you to know that, while it might not seem like it right now, you're better off with someone who is honest with you and will stay loyal to you. It seems to me that you're deeply in love with this woman and that she made you happy. But the old saying is that love is blind. She was in a relationship with another man at the time she decided to start a relationship with you. She betrayed her commitments to her last partner and, unfortunately, she betrayed her commitments to you. She lied to her ex about her feelings for you and then later lied to you about staying with her ex. It's likely that she lied to you about the nature of her relationship with her ex, about the reason she was staying in contact with her ex, and how unhappy she was with him. Why would she return to a man who accused her of fraud for an account that was in both of their names? When you're deeply in love with someone, it's easy to overlook so many glaring faults and this woman that's now left you alone and in pain proved herself to be dishonest in her last relationship. We want to believe that the people we love are good. But when that illusion is shattered, it's all the more painful to accept that the person you loved wasn't who you thought they were. Wait for a woman who will love you for richer or poorer, who will be honest not just with you but with everyone, who will choose you and give up other suitors for you. Good luck and take care of yourself.
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