I keep seeing my ex

... the one that got away. The one I still kind of love.

I just saw his dad, I see his mum regularly and the last two dates I've been on, I've seen him and it's so awkward. Last time he made every effort to avoid me which hurt and then it ruins the date for me. I'm trying to move forward and then I see him, looking perfect with a brand new car and a girl to go home to and I'm here on medication to stay sane (caused by him!), barely goes out and going on failed dates, partly because no-one compares to him or the connection we had. We broke up in the beginning of the year (after telling me he wanted to spend his life with me, got me an eternity ring and wanted to move out with me) but I always look when I see his old or new car, wondering if it's him. It's tiresome and every time I see him, I end up crying at night and last time I became so suicidal (not just about him, about everything). He triggers those seriously depressive, suicidal episodes. But I know he wouldn't care. He said he'd look out for me but they never do. I often think what he'd think if I did commit suicide, if he'd have some guilt about what he did and if he'd actually care about not looking out for me like he said. How can he act like I mean nothing to him?!

He's taken my heart forever. I have no heart remaining to give to someone else and I always feel that whatever relationship I did get into, I'll always be slightly dissatisfied because it won't be as perfect as my past relationship. No guys have interested me since him. I'd rather be alone forever. Since him, I've also been let down and hurt numerous times so I just want to give up. I got with him after an abusive relationship too and he showed me true love and a proper relationship. My heart was shattered, he put it back together but then burnt it to ashes when he left me so cruelly.