I messed up

I don’t know what to do. The best thing that’s ever come into my life wants nothing to do with me now. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for almost half a year now. We met in the strip club when I used to be a stripper. I had started about a month before meeting him. It was in North Carolina. He was from Florida and he was on a work trip for the insulation company he worked for. It was like love at first sight for the both of us. I’ve never experienced something so magnetic before. It wasn’t even sexual. We both just saw something in each others eyes…. Long story short he ended up spending a lot of time with me before he went back home. About two weeks later I took a trip to Florida to visit him. At the end of my visit he decided to return to North Carolina with me and for us to begin to try a relationship. I had nowhere to stay and he was living with his mom so we spent most of our time there in a motel. Eventually we had to come back to Florida because of his probation. We’ve been back in Florida for about a month or two now. We’ve gotten in a few fights where I’ve ended up slapping him in the face…. There was a time where he was refusing to take me back after… but we worked through it. Now I don’t think I’ll ever get him back. I tried stripping in Florida a couple times but at the places I was able to strip at it was really hard to sell dances and make money unless you were a person who sucked dick or fucked for money. I’m not like that… I’m not even a “stripper” I had no home and no car for a fat minute and that’s what pulled me out of it and then I became dependent to the fast easy money. Well because of my difficulty here I bought a dildo. I was gonna try to use it as a way to get someone to buy a dance, so they could watch me play with myself. I didn’t tell him. I hid it under the seat of our car. I had it for maybe only a week and when we were cleaning the car his friend found it. Since then he wants nothing to do with me. It’s been two days since he first found it. He hardly speaks to me. Won’t let me touch him. He went out and kissed a bunch of girls (someone told me) and supposively fucked two girls already. One minute he makes me feel like things could work through time and effort and the next minute he makes me feel like there’s no hope. I don’t know what to do. I really fucked this up. He doesn’t realize how much he means to me because of my selfish actions… I don’t know how to fix this. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me and if I don’t have him I can’t keep living like this. I can’t keep the weight of knowing I fucked up. I know I deserve it but I’m not strong enough. I told him I’d keep trying until the day I die because I will. I just don’t know how long I’ll be able to keep this up. And a couple days before he found it I found a full time job where I didn’t have to dance anymore. I was planning on throwing it away. I threw my dance bag away that night he found it. I’m never dancing again. I’ve told him everything. But nothing helps. I feel hopeless.