I'm not mad at him

To start off this story, I want to say this is about a long distance relationship that just came to a halt – 900 miles away from each other. I met him last year in February in a chatroom I thought I would never find a decent person in. It was late, I was bored, I didn't think I would get much out of it. Then came my (now) ex boyfriend, we began chatting and exchanged numbers, and the rest was history.

We met later IRL that April, that's when he asked me to be in a relationship with him. He did this because it would be better and more meaningful to ask someone face to face than over the phone or through text. He was as close as perfect can be to me. He cared, he said he loved me, and not only said these things but also showed it – and all of that was always returned. Gestures, gifts, calls, texts – everything possible, we did it. We saw each other two times after that: one week in June and went home. Then returned to spend the Summer with him for the whole month of July, and a few weeks into August. That was the last time I physically saw him.

There was something that would get in the middle of us though and cause some distance sometimes in the relationship. He goes into this state where he shuts down mentally and emotionally – feeling emptiness and confusion and also lashing out with frustration. It never pushed me away from him at all. To me, it's just who he is and it's something that I had to accept about him in order to be with him, and I did. Nobody's perfect after all. If he needed me to talk to, he knew I was there. I would check up on him, talk to him, comfort him in the best ways I could being so far, you name it.

As we all know, LDR's are something where the two people in it have to come together eventually. We had plans to! He had money down on a place, and I was just waiting to pack my bags and never look back just to be with him. Now, what really put tension on us was the wait. The wait for an answer back – yes, or no. It was about whether he got the place or not. Along with missing me and not having me, he had a lot going on around him. Debt, having to take care of business, and stress. What did this cause him to do? Shut down.

In the past couple of days, it's been bad. He has shut down and shut everyone out more often, and has burst out with even more frustration. That continued to put more tension on our relationship – until today, when he ended it.

We got on the phone last night, and it all started off by him saying that he just couldn't do this anymore. Everything he has going on is killing him and that he has so much stuff on the side that he needs to take care of. He told me he doesn't want to put me through all that trouble and pain. He told me he was giving the heart back to me that I once gave to him. It crumbled once I had it back in my hands. It was shattered in so many pieces, I don't even remember how to put it all back together.

But how can someone just do that? After all the promises of always holding on no matter how hard things get, after telling me when I wanted to give up to hold on no matter what, after telling me "Forever and Always". He would always tell me he wouldn't know what to do without me, but now what he's chosen is to lose me.

I'm still in shock. Crying in parts because I'm still trying to process the pain. I don't feel anger for him because this is something he wanted to do to improve himself. I just hope that's the truth.

I have started NC, put away all the memories, and am hoping for the best.