I need some advice please

Hi everyone,

My parter and I have been together just over 2 years. The duration of the relationship I have had an alcohol problem (and prior) and had periods of sobriety here in there (trying AA which wasn't for me and then I did a stint in rehab earlier this year). He was supportive and even came to an AA meeting with me once. I have insecurities and he once lied about a girl he worked with being at the pub with his friends because he didn't want to hurt me but this made me feel more insecure.

When I've had periods of drinking, if a guy has shown interest in me, I have sent flirty messages back (never pics or cheating) but would feel guilty and tell my boyfriend. We somehow manage to get through it all but this year is when things have gone quite bad.

I decided I needed to get help properly to deal with my addiction and started an outpatient rehab program this Feb. Before I started, I felt something weird with my partner and shamefully looked through his phone and found him looking up a girl who worked in a shop he went in. He insisted it was harmless but I thought he fancied her so said I wanted to break up. I nearly drank over it but knew I'd lose my place in rehab so managed to focus on going there instead. About halfway through my time there we got back together.

When rehab got cut short in March because of coronavirus, being 11 weeks sober, my boyfriend wanted me to be in lockdown with him but I was staying at my mum's and started to feel a bit vulnerable and safer at my mum's knowing my partner has been an enabler before and wouldn't stop me drinking if I wanted to. Felt pressured to go because he said I wasn't putting our relationship first and felt guilty leaving him on his own.

Anyway, I relapsed and went to his. Someone I met in rehab messaged me once a day after it was cut short just to see how I was and I thought nothing of it because we'd shared a bond in rehab. He eventually told me he liked me and I told him I had a boyfriend and I told my boyfriend about it. He wasn't happy and wanted me to stop talking to him. When I started drinking again at my boyfriend's and this guy was flirting with me, I'd try to dismiss it and just talk about recovery stuff because it was nice to have someone going through the same thing as me. But one message I sent about him having nice eyes and talking to him when he rang me everyday whilst at my boyfriends made things get worse and when I realised I was drinking too much again and could see my boyfriend wasn't happy, I went back to my mums.

Back at my mum's, my bf rang me and said he'd looked through my phone, was convinced I liked the other guy (I didn't, but acted terribly whilst drunk) and broke up with me.

I was devastated. He said he still wanted to see how I'd get on and said he'd message me once a week, but messaged me only a few days later. He messaged me a few more times but it was confusing me. He thought I was with the new guy even though I kept insisting I wasn't. I decided to ignore the messages my ex was sending but started to miss him in the few weeks because he stopped texting and I rang him.

After the call, he said he wanted to get back with me. Well, since then (around May), we've still only seen each other a few times and I've been struggling with drink on and off again. I can manage a few weeks then if something worries me about my relationship or stuff with my family (there's some troubles going on there aswell) I immediately think a drink will numb it all so I can have a break for a bit.

The past month is when things started to change. My boyfriend would still text me and asked to meet up but I was keeping my distance a bit because I was feeling anxious all the time and also more so now because he had dumped me only a few months ago, so felt even more scared he'd do it again. We met for a short time about 2 weeks ago and he was annoyed I cut it short to go help my mum with something, saying we hadn't seen each other in 3 weeks. A few days later I said he didn't trust me anymore and he said something like he could just be friends with me, but if he was and then met someone else, he couldn't be friends with me. I felt so rejected by that and told him where to go.

He didn't try and message me anymore after that and I text him a week later and he said he was done. I went round his the other day and he said his feelings had changed because of my drunken behaviour and when I'd chatted to the rehab guy, even though he'd taken me back since then. He still has a resentment over it. He said he didn't think he could be with me anymore and I was crying uncontrollably and then so did he, which I had never seen befor . I asked if he wasn't in love with me anymore but loved me and he nodded. When I asked if he thought we could ever get over this if I changed he said he probably could. He started hugging me and kissing me more and we were laughing in the few days I was there. He said he doesn't think I'll change, like my insecurity and stuff and he's worried if I get drunk again and someone else messages me. I suggested seeing how we got on for a few weeks or month to see if things improved and he agreed and we're supposed to be meeting tomorrow, but I'm wondering if there really is anyone point if he's not in love anymore? Could that change? I feel so sad and shocked right now. Why would he agree to see if things could work? :/