Is a divorce inevitable?
So my husband and I met online and got married 8 years ago tomorrow. We had a long distance relationship before getting married, which was about 8 months. When we got married, I moved to the state he was living in. We have always had an up and down relationship-happy times and not so happy times. Recently, (last year, he changed his career…went back to school and got a new degree and started a new career). We moved to a new state recently where his parents live (not in the same city, but close enough). I quit my job and then got a new one in the new state that we moved to. We bought a new house in the new state and just recently moved on. In between all of this, my husband and I both had talks with each other to figure out our problems. However, a few months ago, he got upset and told his parents (I was there too) about his frustrations. They all three (my husband, and both in-laws) practically had a war of words with me twice in a few days of each other. Then, a month or so after that, he told my parents on the phone and talked to them for like six hours going through a lot of our problems. I also recently found out that I could have a serious illness in my future. It has been a lot. He basically exposed us to our family and now I feel so awkward around his parents and my parents are always worried now. His brother and his wife know some stuff as does my sister and her husband.
We don’t have any kids right now and before we got married, he said he wanted two kids. After all these years, he doesn’t want kids with me because he thinks that you need to have a good foundation before having kids. I agree with that as well, but I look around me and practically everyone (friends and family, some 5 years younger than me or more have kids and I don’t). It has been something that I’ve wanted forever. I’m getting older now and with this news of a potential high chance of a serious illness happening with me, it completely shut him off to the idea of having kids. I know there are other options like adoption and IVF and I’m doing my research on those options, but I feel like all hope is pretty much gone. Do I move on after all of these years? Or do I stick around and hope that things get better? We own two houses together, don’t share our finances, don’t have kids, have been married for eight years and neither of us are really happy. I really hate the idea of getting a divorce. I have nothing against those who do-I actually think they are strong to make that decision, but for me personally, I feel like I would be a failure if I get a divorce. I am in therapy and have been for a few months now-individual therapy. He was doing therapy, but wants to find a new therapist closer to where we now live. He is open to couples counseling, but claims and complains that I have a lot to work on before we go to couples counseling because it should be an additional thing instead of the only solution. I’m just so confused.
@LiveLaughLove1324,
I hear you.
I am proud of you that you decided to share, it takes courage.
You say your husband is open to counseling.
If he is he should NOT come up with any conditions.
He should TALK about them during counseling, and deal with them through his own therapist.
His conditions are HIS problem, not yours. Make that clear beforehand. Put down boundaries and make it clear to him that you will not take ownership of his issues, and that he should be man enough to own HIS issues.
As for couples counseling, basically it focuses on better communication. In my experience, it should focus on understanding, mutual understanding. Understanding is about being able to step in another person's shoes, is does not mean discussions, neither does it mean that you agree with your husband.
Understanding should be an invitation. Let's say your husband says something. You don't come up with solutions or defenses or justifications or attack. You just say "I understand". And you might want to invite him to tell more, "how does that make you feel?". And by inviting him, and him taking the invitation, you also offer him to ask you, and to show you understanding.
Mutual understanding, the basis of true communication. From the heart.
And mutual understanding requires awareness. "Why are we doing counseling?" I did counseling too, things had happened and did happen and I totally could not listen to myself anymore as for "why am I doing counseling". Counseling failed.
Be aware of that pitfall.
Don't give up too easily. And also don't sell out, keeping selling out means you are due to take care of your true self first.
Warmth and love to both to you.
