Issues with an ex-boyfriend. Could use some support.
So I tried to post this issue in the Breakups forum about a month ago but nobody has responded yet. I hope I have better luck in this category. ^^ I know this is kind of long but I would really appreciate some advice or support~
Basicaly, I'm having a really hard time with my ex-boyfriend.
Here's the story: I broke up with him August 2014. I did it for a very good reason, because he was getting very emotionally abusive, giving me ultimatums, being really touchy and controlling with who I hung out with, how I dressed, who I texted, where I went during the day, just plain awful in general. I don't know how I ended up sticking with him for four whole years. I think it had something to do with my need to not be alone. I also broke up with him because we had very different life goals that conflicted.
Anyway, I was with him for three of those years but then the relationship turned long distance because he is originally from another country (he was an international student at my university) and had to return. We tried to continue our relationship via Skype , but the problems with us actually began way before he even left, I was just too afraid to bring them to the table.
When I finally did and broke up with him (after several failed attempts and anxiety attacks) it was a disaster. He took it extremely hard and got so upset he apparently ended up in the hospital and was on a type of suicide watch. I felt terrible, guilty. I didn't want him to die. I was so afraid that something bad would happen to him. So instead of just breaking off the connection with him completely (as it had been suggested by several friends and two different counselors), I decided to tell him that we could still be friends and talk. At first he was trying to get me back as a girlfriend, but these days I am at least glad that he's realizing that he doesn't have a chance with me anymore.
The problem is : he is still being extremely clingy when I talk to him online. See, when our relationship was long distance, we would talk on Skype every day. Literally I would come back from class and get on to talk to him, morning and night. It was a constant thing pretty much. Well now, I don't talk to him through skype, but through Facebook chat. I also am unable to get online much because I am just too busy.
He just does not understand that! If he sees me on Facebook just to check something for like five minutes, he jumps down me in email saying things like "Why didn't you say hello to me?" or "Is it too much to talk to me?" Even though I had a conversation with him the previous day. If I go a few days without speaking to him he gets all over dramatic and says how much he wants to die because I'm not apparently paying enough attention to him.
I don't know what to do! Part of me just wants to end all connections with him but another part of me is afraid that if I do, something terrible will happen to him and he might hurt himself. Also, another part of me doesn't want to stop talking to him because I still consider him a friend. But he's making it difficult for me to even be his friend by his whiny, clingy, and just overall overbearing attitude.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Do you think I really should just end all connection? I've tried telling him over and over again that i can't always talk to him 24/7 but he's not getting it. He wants us to talk as we were talking when we were together but it's just not going to happen anymore. Ah, I'm so stuck...
I guess I kinda know what you are going through because something similar to that happened to me. I was with my ex 6 years on and off he was emotionally abusive telling what I can wear I couldn't talk to any guys and he always had to know where I was but I loved him and when he broke up with me I went through a bad depression still going through it but it's getting better anyways he still txts me once in a while to ask me for favors or money and I want to block him but at the same time I don't want to end communication with him because I still love him and miss him
So maybe what you should do is just tell your ex that you just want to move on and by you hearing from him just doesn't let you move on maybe you can try ending communication with him slowly I would say that you should block him from everything but from what you said about him he might do something to hurt himself hope this helped good luck
I do not want to downsize this persons feelings, but I too have been in a similar situation. He would leave me lists of things he wanted done on a daily basis, i was not aloud to leave the house without him, and i live an hour and a half away from everyone i knew.I got sick and had to stay with my parents after a hospital stay. Everyday he accused me of cheating; I finally had enough and told him I wasn't going back. He made threats of suicide if I did not talk to him on a daily basis. I have emotional and mental issues of my own and one day I just couldn't be that friend for him anymore and I completely cut ties. I deleted my email address, shut down all social media, and changed my phone number. Yes I felt guilty, but my wellbeing meant more to me. I did a search for him about 3 months later and he was already in another relationship and was engaged. Sometime these threats are just another for of manipulation and control. That's what it sounds like to me.
It sounds like hes using suicide as emotional blackmail. If you cant cut him off which is probably the best thing you can do, then i would only answer any positive or lighthearted conversations, as soon as he starts any emotional talk i would ignore him. He'll soon get the message.
You are not responsible for his feelings, nor can you help him as he is still trying to control you.
I have that exact same problem! I used to be afraid of cutting him off completely because I don't want him to commit suicide, despite all my friends and family telling me to do so. We remained friends for a while and it only got better because he met another girl and he was doing the same possessive thing to her instead of me now. After seeing it from the side I realise two things: he turned out fine without me, and he's never going to change despite my attempts to help, he will still be the same person who makes people feel like their actions cause his negative feelings. That removed me of all responsibility and I left the friendship. I hope this helps, assuming you want to leave the situation yourself :)
You could possibly talk to his family about it, and other friends of his. You could tell them what's going on so they could be there to support and love him if/when you stop talking to him. He will be okay. You will be okay. I believe in you.
