It's really happening :(
I'm the one who pulled the pin on a 24 year relationship and 19 year of marriage but, now that we've accepted a good price for the house, i can't believe we're actually going through with separating and divorcing. I guess I hoped she would realise the crisis and say something like "I didn't realise I was so impossible to live with. What can I do to change?" But that hasn't happened. I can't live with her any more. I just can't. I can no longer feel trapped in my own house. I deserve a shot at happiness. I only wish it didnt have to be *this* way.
@TheSleech
Yes, I know how that feels. I filed for divorce after 16 years of marriage and I kept wishing he would say "let's try again. I don't want to lose you" but those words never came and they never will. I knew we'd get divorced. I filed the papers. Yet, I still can't believe it's happening.
I think part of that is because I lived with a vision of the future with him for so long that any alternative is blank. The divorce is the right thing to do but not knowing what comes next is a frightening thing that I can't wrap my head around yet. Does any of that ring true for you too?
I can only have faith that there will be a future for me. And it'll be one I am in control of (as much as possible). The way I see it, I can live in false hope, I can live in the past, I can wallow in anger and hurt, or I can begin to envision something else for myself. A life without the burden of a toxic relationship. And don't get me wrong, I still hope, rage and wallow. I'm sad and angry and in denial at times. I'm not through this but I know that someday I will be.
It doesn't make it easier but it makes me able to take just one more step toward a new furture. Just one step. I can do that today. And if I need some time to be sad or whatever, I will give myself that time. Then I will take another step. The only other option is misery.
One step. Breathe. Feel. Another step. It's hard but we can do this.
@TheSleech (That's me!) Having real trouble coping with it all today. We're waiting on some of the legal confirmations required of a house buyer here in this wide brown land of Australia and then we're split. I'd stop the whole divorce process in a heartbeat if she'd only say "I'm sorry. Can we try again?" I've done it more than enough times. I've painted myself into a corner dealing with her "my way or the highway" approach to our relationship. I can't live like this anymore. I can no longer feel a prisoner in my own home. After 24 years with her, and 19 of them married, I deserve another shot at happiness, even if it's on my own. I wish it was over. I'm ready to rebuild.
