I want to be with him again

Well, I'm sure you hear this a lot. "I want to get back together with my ex, I miss them and love them so much." I guess I'm no different. I'll give you some back story.

Me and my ex started dating 4 years ago. Things were wonderful. He's truly one-of-a-kind and I believe he is my soulmate. I've met many other men and none have ever compared to him or if they came close there was always a big deal breaker. My ex is very special to me. However, I'm a very jealous person. And he started giving me reasons to feel jealous (not on purpose I hope) and to doubt my trust in him. For example, after his birthday one year we went home and his ex started texting him that she was coming over and she was drunk and going to knock on his door. He left me in the middle of the night to go "deal with her" and get her away from our house. He ended up coming back 3 hours later. I was of course upset but believed him when he said nothing happened. Fast forward several months and his "ex" (more like friends with benefits) kept talking to him. I knew she was flirting with him, I'm not blind. I told him I didn't like him talking to her so much and especially didn't like how he was always texting her while we were on a date. I also told him I know she likes him and is trying something. He accused me of not trusting him, saying he shouldn't have to give up his friends, and getting upset at me. I did trust him, I just didn't trust her. He continued to text her more and more and I continued to tell him I was uncomfortable with it. I even went as far as telling our mutual best friends one night and they all agreed with me and told him that she was trying to get together with him. Things calmed down a bit after that.

Fast forward several more months, and my ex started playing video games constantly, always ignoring me. I tried to play with him but I'm not as good as he is and not as interested so he would get upset with me. Eventually this feeling of not being wanted and being ignored for video games caused me to have a depressive episode that lasted ~2-3 months. This made things worse between us because I completely shut down and he didn't seem to care. I was afraid to tell him because of the stigma around depression. Eventually he started talking to that girl again, way more frequently. To the point she was calling him on the phone (she lives in a different city) and requesting skype chats. I got really suspicious and my jealousy took over.
One night after she had called he went to the bathroom for around 45 minutes. I got worried and upset because I figured he was talking to her so I knocked on the door and told him to hurry up. He yelled at me. I spiraled further into depression and suspicion. I acted on an impulse one day and bought a ticket to Japan for 3 months so I could just go and do something. I thought this would make me happy. It did, but mostly it was a distraction. My ex however continued to act suspicious and say things that really made me wonder, such as "if I was single me and [best-friend] would go around meeting so many girls". That was the final straw for me and I did something really stupid, but I don't regret it.

I looked at his phone one morning when I knew he wouldn't wake up to see me and found half naked pictures of that girl on there. Then I looked at their messages. They were mostly talking about porn, and him coming to visit her. While I was in Japan. I was obviously heartbroken, devastated, sick, you name it. I went to work, cried my eyes out to my boss, told my mom everything, they all told me to break up with him. However, I still loved him. And he had bought tickets to come visit me in Japan while I was there. So I talked to him after work. I was obviously angry with him and he kept asking me what was wrong. I told him I would give him one chance to tell me the truth and be forgiven. He chose to play dumb. Then when I told him everything I had seen on his phone. He got mad at me for going through his phone, understandable. But the way I see it is, if you don't have anything to hide you wouldn't get mad. He gave me a half-hearted apology which I accepted. And things were semi-okay mainly because I chose to ignore the problem. Originally I wanted to message her and tell her to stop it. I didn't want to believe this was his fault or put the blame on him I guess. He didn't want me to so I respected that. This all happened a few weeks before I left for Japan.

Fast forward to him meeting me in Japan. We hadn't seen each other in a few months. My depression wasn't gone. I was stressed and lonely. I wasn't very nice to him when he was there, I didn't really forgive him for what he did and I let that fuel my anger. But on the first night there we had sex. Unprotected. And I got pregnant. So our trip was cut short so I could come home and get an abortion because I was not fit to have a child or even be pregnant. He was really rude to me during this time. Always getting mad at me. So I started avoiding him and going out with my friend who was a guy which happened to upset my ex. I honestly just wanted to be around someone who didn't know anything so I could escape. My ex was very unsupportive of me emotionally. After the surgery we came home, and he was right onto his video games again as I laid in bed alone and cried. I should have taken that as a sign to leave but I wanted him to be there since he was the only one who knew.

We stopped saying "I love you" after that, and I started spending more time with my friends and less time with him. My depression came back and I blocked out my ex again since I knew he wouldn't support me. He was still talking to that girl non stop. Ignoring me as he texted her. Then one day I just snapped. I acted like a child and packed up all of my things while he was sleeping and when he woke up to see all my things packed I told him it was over. I didn't even bother to try to talk to him about it.

We talked for about an hour, he told me he pushed me away because he thought that he was pushing me towards my dreams. I told him I pushed him away because I thought he didn't want me around anymore. I also told him the main reason I was leaving was because of that girl. He told me he has feelings for her. That really hurt. I told him I wanted to work things out and I still wanted to be with him but he told me I had already made up my mind to leave. And that was it.

I didn't really want to break up with him. I wanted us to be able to work things out but when you're stuck in your depression things don't make sense all the time. I didn't see past my jealousy and anger and hurt. I didn't think of the consequences. I really regret this whole thing. I just don't know what to do. He said maybe one day we could work things out but I'm a proactive person. I want to start now. He doesn't seem interested.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to meet new people or do anything. I'm going to see a therapist this week and hopefully get my depression and jealousy issues under control.

I can't stop talking to him. I try telling him I love him and miss him but those get ignored. He only talks to me like a friend. It really hurts. But I keep doing it. I can't stop myself from talking to him it seems. I just don't know what to do. I want him back. I want to get better. I want to be happy again. But at the same time I want to call him out on his emotional manipulation of me and ask him the reasons for his actions. Why did he cheat on me if he hated cheaters and had been cheated on in the past? Did he not notice my depression? Was he just waiting for me to leave? I want to ask those questions so badly but I'm scared of the answers. I'm so confused right now. I feel angry, sad, scared, lonely.

I'm sorry this is so long.. But we were together for so long. Please help me :(