Lingering Inevitable Split in Marriage
Hi. I've been married for over seven years yet depressed and lonely.
My husband doesn't demonstrate love in the ways I've expressed I need him to (weekly dates/gifts, monthly counseling to understand each other, communicate and deal with conflicts better). Instead it's been a recurrent pattern of appearing to listen to my needs, then back to prioritizing work & others, to avoiding me when I'm obviously hurt, and/or being angry/refusing to discuss issue, then showing interest when I gain the courage to focus on my happiness and prepare to leave him.
I feel and I've repeatedly expressed to him that I seem to be the one that loves him more than he does me and that our relationship only continues because I keep holding unto a thread. He puts very little effort if at all in personal growth and maintaining our relationship. I feel fooled into this relationship (because he told me he loved me and wanted to marry me early when we met and promised to work on his shortcomings as I committed to as well). Yet I feel hopeless that I can find anything better and that I've wasted my years & resources. I also feel trapped because I'm afraid of hurting him greatly if I leave. I do not know what to do.
I have to drag my partner out of the house and we each get our own individual therapy/counseling. I had to teach him a lot about communication and how to talk without blame or defensiveness. I do suggest individual therapy if you are to keep things going. Couples Counseling was something we tried but we didn’t get much out of it. We’re thinking of trying again with someone better. If your partner isn’t engaged with seeking help then I encourage you to simply make the appointment and let him know the date and time. As for communication we read a book together entitled “Communication in Marriage”. You can do these things with him and see where it leads you, I just ask you understand that these are your interests and he doesn’t necessarily have to be enthusiastic so long as he’s open to trying. And even if he does do all of this, it would be okay if you still wanted to move on. It’s your decision to be with him, single, or with someone else. Even if he’s perfect, a relationship is not something you have to force yourself to be in.