Looking for advice :/

n June, my ex broke up with me after seven years of us dating. We're 21 years old now and we started dating when we were 14 years old. We spent our anniversary together which was June 2nd and then the 8th he broke up with me. Things were rough towards the end of our relationship. Apart of me knew that things were going to end but I did not want to believe nor did I want it to happen. He stopped trying which made me stop trying and we lost ourselves at the end. To this day I don't regret the time apart however, I wish we never broke up . We needed space away from each other but not meaning for us to see other people.

A couple weeks after he broke up with me I found out that he was already dating another girl - his coworker to be exact. With this being said, I was certain that he cheated on me because there was no way you get with someone that quickly after just being in a seven year relationship. Like a girl, I stalked and I saw that she was tweeting about being on the beach with her boyfriend and this destroyed me. 1 - because she was taking me spot in the vacation that him, our friends and i planned out for the summer and 2 - she was calling him her boyfriend.

After they came home from the vacation, my ex texted me and we got together. He told me how he wish he never broke up with me and if he could he would go back and change everything. He also admitted that he was still in love with him and I asked him what her posts were about. He then proceeded to tell me that he has no idea where she is getting the idea that he is her boyfriend and as a stupid, naive girl, I believed him. (you'll understand in a few why I shouldn't of). Well while he was confessing his love for me and that he was still in love with me, a week later he began to tell me that he never meant anything he said. I was devastated...

I went on for about four months of non-stop crying until I was finally starting to feel myself moving on. Then I saw him at the bar, on Thanksgiving Eve and I proceeded to say hello to him and his new gf and introduce myself. After that night, I decided to write a letter to him explaining how I don't have it in me to hate him and how I want us to be okay. He texted me saying that "if only you knew how i felt things would be different". I told him I wanted to hear what he had to say. Two days later we got together and he told me about how he was in love with me still and that if he ever got the chance to be with me again that he needed to take it. Each time that we got together, it was like we were never apart. We have this connection that is unexplainable. We both know that it is not over between use. I asked him if I am the girl he wants to be with then what is he doing and he told me that it is just the wrong time and that he works with his gf and her mom and her mom's friends and all these dumb **** excuses. Seven years and I became the second choice.

Well as you expected, a week goes by again and he proceeds to tell me that he did not mean anything he said, and that he said it in the moment. Twice? Two times he said that same exact thing in the moment. I don't get it.

It's been almost two months since that happened and I am still hung up on it. I am caught up with the idea of us being together in the future because that is who I still see myself marrying. That is who I see myself spending my life with no matter all the **** that occurred between us. I don't know what to do. I know I deserve someone who stays and realizes my worth while they're with me but I don't know if I am in love with my ex still or just in love with the idea of him. I put my heart and soul into that relationship and I continued to fight for him and showed him that its him - thats who I want to be with. I keep making excuses for why he has hurt me.